Well, it looks like I'm probably not going to get the Netflix reviewing gig on Gawker so I decided I'd jump straight into my next endeavor that is going to make me rich and famous: writing for television! My current project is about a team of teenage vampire detectives that solve crimes and sing popular music. The working title is "Vampire Cops: SVU (Sexy Vampire Unit)" but I'm still figuring that out. Enjoy this short excerpt!
[The Vampire Cops are in their headquarters. Patience is wearing leather pants and an open blouse and her police badge on a gold chain around her neck. She has a red bra (no bra if on HBO). She is playing pool by herself. Abasalom is polishing his gun at the bar. He is wearing leather pants and an open blouse and his police badge is on a gold chain around his neck. He makes a sex face at Patience as she leans over the pool table. Balthazar is lifting weights in the corner. He is just wearing leather pants to show off his considerable physique. He makes a sex face at Abasalom. The phone rings]
Balthazar: The phone is ringing.
Patience: Someone should pick it up. [She runs her finger across his supple lips]
Abasalom: I will pick it up. [picks up phone behind bar] Hello? This is Vampire Cops.
Dracula: Hello, this is your boss, Commissioner Dracula. How are you?
Abasalom: We are all very good, thank you. Its Commissioner Dracula, I told him we are doing good [directed to Patience and Balthazar as the phone is not on speaker, it is an old timey phone with a rotary dial.]
Dracula: That is good to hear. I am good as well. I have a mission for you. A crime happened at 1234 Main Street and I need the Vampire Cops to investigate.
Abasalom: Thank you, we will leave as soon as it is night because we would explode in the sun.
Dracula: Okay bye bye.
Abasalom: Bye bye. [hangs up phone] We have a mission, let's get ready.
[The three Vampire Cops each do a shot of blood at the bar, which is what they drink, and grab helmets from a wooden wardrobe while dub step music plays. There are close up shots of their sexy parts as they walk in slow motion down the stairs to the street. The three all get on to a matte black Ducati race bike with Abasalom driving Patience in the middle, and Balthazar in the back, but his arms are so big and muscly that he hangs onto Abasalom instead of Patience. They pop a wheelie and drive down the street. They get to the crime scene and they come to a screeching sideways stop right in front of the door.]
Abasalom: Okay this is it. Let's get off the race bike and investigate the crime.
Balthazar: Okay I'm knocking on the door [he knocks on the door]
Kat Pierson: Oh thank you for coming so fast, the crime is inside [Kat Pierson is wearing a tight black dress and high heels. Later we will find out that she is a Cat Person which is like a Werewolf but for cats, but that will probably be revealed in the second season when she is a love interest of Patience/Balthazar/Abasalom)].
Patience: Don't mind if we *come* in [she enters the door while running her finger across Kat Pierson's supple lips].
[The crime scene has blood everywhere splashed on every wall, in the center there is a dead body with his neck ripped out.]
Kat Pierson: This is my dad, I found him like this a few hours ago. I think he is dead.
Balthazar: Don't worry, we will find the killer... or killers. [the three Vampire Cops exchange a knowing look]
Patience: Hm, so this is your fathers blood here. [she licks the wound on the dead body's neck] Interesting. [She walks around the room with a thoughtful look on her face. Abasalom, and Kat Pierson make sex faces at her] But what is this?! [she licks the wall] This is another person's blood, most likely the killer's! Guys, taste this! [Abasalom and Balthazar lick the wall. They are so close their tongues touch briefly]
Balthazar: You are right, this is the killers blood!
Abasalom: All this blood, its making me crazy. [he looks hungrily at Kat Pierson] My engorgement is colossal!
Aaaand I better stop there. If you want more, you will just have to wait for it to be on TV.