When Trust Breaks

Yesterday, by complete accident, I found out Mr. Farce took a personal loan out for a sizable amount of money and has been hiding it from me for a long time. When I brought it up, he explained he was just hoping to quietly pay it off without ever having to worry me about it. He thought he was protecting me, as money issues really get to me. As it turns out, he's even been lying about it, since I was aware the account existed, and I'd ask if he was carrying a balance from time to time. He always said it was under control. It's not under control. It's mid five-figures of not under control with a ridiculous interest rate.

I'm so hurt and angry my brain isn't working and I don't have anyone to talk to in physical reality, largely because I don't want anyone to know our financial situation.

We are supposed to be planning our wedding. Instead, I'm looking up how to separate our joint bank accounts without things getting ugly. How could he do this and not tell me?! And it was all for bullshit stuff. If I had been aware of it, I would have budgeted better and saved more and worked harder. How can I trust him again? How, after five years together, can he still be this bad with money? And honesty? It's fucking unsecured debt! I told him I would not marry that, but if we wait until it's paid off - if we can even afford to pay it off - I will be almost forty. I don't really want to wait that long.

I thought we were just getting out of the woods financially and now we've been set back years. Literally years.

I'm so close to just leaving him; I feel like I've fought this fight too many times and he's obviously never going to change. I love him so much. He is a kind, intelligent, funny man who is pursuing a career in public service (fire). He loves me wholly... except now all of that is thrown in doubt.

This is my own personal icing on the shit cupcake that was this week.

Thanks for always listening, GT. I'd be actually going off the deep end if I didn't know there were compassionate almost-strangers out there. I have zero idea what to do. Your thoughts are welcome.