Dearest lovelies of GroupThink. You know that grand old stereotype of "old people" not understanding technology and therefore being left in the dark about things like computers and smart phones, bookface and tweeter? Well.... I have become one of them.

When Did I Turn Into One Of Teh Olds?

I received my *big* Christmas present this evening. Well, more like I received my *big* gift on Christmas Eve from my in-laws - cold, hard cash! - to put towards a new laptop! Hooray!

Finally. I can have a keyboard in which half the buttons don't decide to randomly stick, or randomly not work at all! Whenever I'm typing something, my cursor will randomly reposition itself anywhere it wants to go on my screen - which means as I'm typing this, the cursor has moved about 4 times already, and the things I'm typing are now being entered into wherever my cursor decided to go, and I had to erase about an entire minute worth of typing each time because I noticed it too late, had to delete it, and then retype it all in the correct place. NO MORE! So many perfect sentences that will remain intact instead of being forgotten in the delete-and-retype-in-the-correct-spot game! No more screaming at my computer out of sheer frustration every 25 minutes! I'll have a battery that holds a charge for longer than 45 minutes! I'll have a power cord that isn't held together by duct tape because my dog thought it was a chew toy (it was unplugged) when I wasn't looking!

YOU GUYS. I was so fucking excited when we browsed Best Buy's website and found the perfect laptop for only $379!

My husband decided we needed to go to the actual store, right at that moment.

When I found it, it was beautiful.

And also terrifying.

Windows 8.......


Uhhhh.... where's the desktop? Where are the files stored? Where are my windows and folders? What are all of these tile thingies? Why can't I just leave a word document on a desktop for easy access? Everything's so different! And confusing! I don't know how to use this thing! Microsoft, what did you do??? I feel so out of my element!

When Did I Turn Into One Of Teh Olds?

The new laptop also came with 6 months of free antivirus software.

"You can choose from Webroot or Kaspersky. Which one would you like?" the Best Buy manager (who happens to be a friend of ours) asked.

"Umm... I don't know anything about either one...never heard of 'em. You got McAfee or Norton Antivirus? Those ones I'm actually familiar with and know how to use."

Manager Friend "Are you kidding? If you ever use McAfee or Norton again, I will punch you."

Ok, well there goes that. Norton and McAfee, the ONLY virus protection software I'm familiar with or ever used in my ENTIRE LIFE , are apparently horrible. My whole life feels like a lie. I hope I can figure out how to use this software....Also, since I was clueless about both, I randomly selected one. I have no idea what decision I just made.

As they were installing software in the Geek Squad area, our Manager Friend walked us back over by the demos and showed me more of what this bad boy can do. Remember how I said it was touchscreen? It's a laptop with touchscreen. I can use the keyboard, mouse, or actually poke the damn screen to tell it to do things.

When Did I Turn Into One Of Teh Olds?

As he was showing me the touchscreen capabilities, I became so overwhelmed that I almost started crying, like a child who lost her mommy, right there in the fucking store. He'd wave his hand over the screen and windows would relocate themselves, and minimize themselves, and even close themselves. He scrolled down by magically running his fingers up the screen. He'd swipe his fingers to the left, and a whole sidebar of weird options presented themselves. He'd swipe to the right, and a whole new window pane of active windows showed up. Every swipe of a finger changed the screen dramatically. How the fuck am I ever going to master this?

While we waited for the Geek Squad guys to finish up, we looked around the store. Beats Audio. Jabra bluetooth sets. Samsung Tablets. Optical mice that are as thin as a credit card. So much new technology everywhere that I haven't bothered to A) educate myself on, or B) spend money on. I don't need any of it, so why even bother? And then I realized it.

I'm out of the loop. I used to be IN the loop. I knew everything about new technology. I HAD new technology. And now it's all foreign to me. What happened? How did I miss something here? When did I become one of those people who has NO IDEA, and stares at new technology out of sheer terror when forced to use it?

My husband insisted that I get the laptop. Because I "deserve it."

So we got it.

And it's currently still sitting in the box, on the kitchen table, because the thought of opening it up, turning it on, and trying to figure out this machine and it's fancy-ass new technology is too overwhelming. I like my Windows 7. It's easy. I know how to work everything and where everything goes. This new one? Like discovering a new fucking planet. On your own, with no one to help you or guide you.

I am terrified of my new computer.

When Did I Turn Into One Of Teh Olds?