Holy. Shit. Y'all. I CAN'T EVEN.
As I learned earlier, I can't post multiple screencaps and have them be the same size/expandable. So I screencapped the entire profile in all its completely batshit glory and made an imgur album.
I've read it about 10 times and still haven't fully absorbed it all.
EDIT: I just called it the Finnegan's Wake of OkCupid.