Foods That Should Exist (And Do, Obviously)


OK, guys. Here it is. I know a lot of you have been curious about what foods I love. I didn't pick obvious things (I mean, you know I love bacon, what the fuck would be the point in talking about it), or things I've already mentioned I love (with one exception that required some explanation, and also Peanut Sauce, because there was no way I was making this list without Peanut Sauce). This is far from a complete list, but it should serve to illustrate to the "you only love chicken nuggets and pizza, HUR HUR HUR" crowd how fucking stupid they are.

Red Snapper — The first person who can explain to me why fucking bullshit Cod is a staple food and Red Snapper, aka The Most Delicious Goddamn Fish in the Universe, is not will win the award for Keeper of the Universe's Most Intricate Mysteries. Seriously, Cod?! Fucking COD?! Don't even say Fish and Chips, Fish and Chips is better when you use LITERALLY ANY OTHER FISH other than Cod. Fucking Cod.

Anyway, I was a weird kid (I KNOW, YOU'RE SHOCKED) because while I was incredibly picky about things like tomatos and onions (I've come around on the latter, but the former can die in a fire), I always loved the shit out of seafood. You know the little kids who won't eat anything but pizza and chicken nuggets? I was the little kid who wouldn't eat anything but Shrimp Cocktails and Red Snapper (and basically any seafood). Ok, and pretty much all meat. And Broccoli, for some reason. And Japanese and Chinese and Thai food in general — alright, you know what? Maybe I wasn't actually all that picky as a little kid.

Kale — I'm honestly surprised by the Kale hatred present in the comments for these articles. Did Kale run over your dog with its car when you were a kid, people? Because otherwise, what is there to dislike about this vegetable? It's goddamn delicious, like a version of spinach that doesn't magically become vomit-flavored when you cook it. By the way, I didn't grow up with Kale; I was 26 before I had it for the first time, so you can't use that as an excuse. I just love the stuff.

Ostrich Steak — If I were to tell you that there exists a creature whose steak tastes like the best Filet Mignon ever, only somehow better, and then ask you to guess which animal I'm talking about, how far down the list would "Ostrich" be? I have it ranked near the bottom, just below Platypus and just above Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. Ostriches are one of the stupidest-looking and (seemingly) most-pointless creatures on the planet; a giant freaking bird that can't fly and looks like something out of a cartoonist's acid dream. Apparently, their purpose is to make delicious steak. Who knew?

Calf's Liver — Yeah, I know. This is fancy people food. If I'd never eaten it at a restaurant where I worked, I likely would've just assumed all liver was like Chopped Liver (aka edible suffering). I'm still uncomfortable actually enjoying something rich people talk about. Let's just move on.

Octopus — Best in Tako form. Yes, I'm aware it's a tentacle. It's a MOTHERFUCKING DELICIOUS TENTACLE. I will eat ALL THE TENTACLES. None FOR YOU. And then I will SUMMON CTHULU IN MY STOMACH. It is possible I DIDN'T ENTIRELY THINK THIS THROUGH.

Yellowtail Sashimi — If you ever see the headline "Pittsburgher Arrested After Defeating/Killing Great Siberian Tiger With Bare Hands," that's me, and it was part of a fight over a piece of Yellowtail Sashimi.

California Omelette — No. I know what you're thinking, and no. The image you've got in your head is not a California Omelette. If it has peppers in it, it isn't a fucking California Omelette, it is a crime against food. A real California Omelette has three things, and three things only: avocado, bacon, and sour cream. That's it. Oh, you're a vegetarian, but you want to enjoy a California Omelette? TOO FUCKING BAD BECAUSE IT'S NOT A CALIFORNIA OMELETTE, STOP CALLING IT THAT, ALTHOUGH YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A RIGHT TO ENJOY THE NON-MEAT VERSION AND CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY AVOCADOS ARE FUCKING AWESOME AND EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS VIS A VIS THEIR PERSONAL CULINARY JOURNEY. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT.

Peanut Sauce — I think Peanut Sauce may actually be magical, like something Gandalf would create if Gandalf wasn't fucking incompetent (shut up, yes he is, his powers consist of talking to butterflies, using a scary voice around short people, and owning a flashlight). I am convinced that there is literally no food in existence that would not be improved by the addition of Peanut Sauce. Peanut Sauce is how the universe tells us it loves us. Just wait, though, I'm sure some dipshit facebook commenter will go off about how I'm being offensive to people with peanut allergies.

THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO DESERVE IT.

Anchovies — I'm still mad at Ninja Turtles for lying to me as a kid; Anchovies on pizza are fucking bananas, and Anchovies on anything else are, if possible, even MORE bananas. Anchovies have no right to be as delicious as they are. You're basically eating an entire tiny fish in one go, a sentence which sounded horrifying in my head and looks even worse written down. And yet, I could eat the little fuckers all day (and then probably have severe digestive issues all night). Go figure.

Quinoa — Quinoa and Kale are Exhibits 1 and 1a on the list of "Foods That it Makes Absolutely No Sense For Me to Like Because They Are Healthy And Do Not Involve Bacon, Yet I Do Anyway." Look, I'm just as confused as you are — by all rights, I should hate this food, and yet I don't. I love the fuck out of it. My girlfriend constantly forgets that I actually love Quinoa and always asks if I'm willing to eat it if she makes some. Of course I'm fucking willing to eat it, that's like asking me if I want free beer or if I enjoy a day of not having to go outside at all for any reason. The first time I tried Quinoa (at age 27), I remember explicitly thinking "wait, why the fuck have I been eating Rice all my life?" I mean, Rice isn't BAD or anything (it's just kind of there), but it's not Quinoa.

And here's one entry that should not exist, just to keep everyone on their toes (again, this is a thing that should NOT exist):

Clamato — WHAT. WHAT. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS.

The first time I saw this in the grocery store, I didn't believe it was real. It couldn't be real. This seemed like someone had designed Cruel and Unusual Punishment in juice form. I was sure it was somehow April Fools Day in September and no one had told me. This shit is so horrifying that for the first time, I'm breaking my "cannot use anything I haven't actually tasted" rule, because seriously? Clamato Juice? If I don't need to drink the stuff I find under the sink to know that doing so is a terrible idea, the same applies to Clamato.

There is no amount of money I would not give to have been in the original marketing meeting for Clamato Juice. I would give up 10 years off the end of my life for this. I'm not even kidding. Was this pitched as a joke, only the Mott's executives were so coked out that they thought it was a genius idea? Did The Lone Rangers put its creation on their list of hostage demands (because compared to this, naked pictures of Bea Arthur and a football helmet full of cottage cheese seem pretty sane by comparison)? I'm going to go Google this shit because I need to know these things, hold on.

I just looked it up and apparently this was originally invented in Canada in 1969, then the idea was stolen by Americans (because of course it was). I'm choosing to believe this was a deliberate (and, frankly, brilliant) con job on Canada's part, because they know that white Americans will fucking steal ANY idea (and pay for any shitty product, no matter how mindfuckingly stupid it may seem), and they were still pissed about the War of 1812. Basically, well fucking done, Canada. My hat is off to you. You have won the day.