I don't actually have a fucking two week wait ... because I don't know if I even ovulated. But goddammit why is everything in the world a pregnancy symptom?
A little bit queasy? Mini cramps? Throbbing in your ovary? Hate everything around you? Your baby toe a little tingly? You could be pregnant! Or not pregnant! Whatever! Stew in uncertainty for 3 or 4 months while I fuck with you. Or don't! Whatever.
Also: why the hell are coffee and alcohol so attractive now? I never gave a shit before. Could go weeks and months without either and not care. Now it's like my brain is craving them on purpose to fuck with me.
Also, also: Every bit of conception advice tells me to lose weight. It is impossible for me to do so. I'm trying to say "fuck it" look at all the overweight and obese friends I have who got pregnant. But then I still internalise and blame myself. Even though I fucking kill a Shaun T work out like it's nothing (okay maybe not like it's nothing, but I come damn close).
I wish this was as exact as contraception. Contraception is fucking easy. Take a pill, wear a condom, DONE. I was a fucking legend at that.
Uterus: "Ahahahaahaaaha I just made you pee on another stick suckaaaaa"