My Theories about Glenn Beck

How nice! Glenn Beck is doing something that is generally great, and the quote from the Gawker article about it is...one million percent right. Regardless of what is happening, these children are just innocent bystanders to bigger things:*

"Through no fault of their own, they are caught in political crossfire," Beck said of the children. "And while we continue to put pressure on Washington and change its course of lawlessness, we must also help. It is not either, or. It is both. We have to be active in the political game, and we must open our hearts."

He is taking significant backlash from the general loudmouth conservadick population, as expected. This has led me to try to guess what's going on in his little assholebrain.

  1. Glenn Beck is losing ratings so, in a dramatic turn of events he is biting all the hands that feed him, recognizing that conservative anger is a major money maker and he might as well cause it.
  2. Glenn Beck is Being John Malcovich-ed and someone else is controlling him, and using his resources for good.
  3. Glenn Beck has always been a moderate or liberal and couldn't take it anymore and had to help. He is our generation's greatest troll.
  4. Glenn Beck is trying to get in good with some drug cartels and starting a life of international crime.
  5. Glenn Beck has brain damage after an experiment aboard his mothership, to implant a chip in him that can control others' thoughts. In a last ditch effort to save his life, they had to remove the shitty parts of his brain.
  6. Glenn Beck got bitchslapped by Jesus Christ himself in a drug-induced hallucination; finally, he recognizes that believing in hell also means he might actually go there, and his heart grew three sizes that day.

*If only we could acknowledge the adults who are desperately trying to illegally immigrate are in the same boat...