The Real War On Masculinity Is Fought In Our Nation's Showers

Guys, how do you do it?

Living with women is clearly fraught with danger and deception at every turn. But what has become of the world when a man can't even be safe in his own shower? THERE IS NEITHER HOPE FOR YOU NOR YOUR GONADS NOW, SIR.

The worst part is that this danger is real, and up until now no one has been talking about it. How could you know, were you (don't even say it!) contaminated with weird vagina lady microbes in ANY context other than a sexxxxxy one, how to recover your masculinity before it is lost forever? Without public service announcements to educate us, men everywhere have, for years, been in grave danger. We can only imagine how many suffered an unspeakable manly-death and had no recourse but to buy a sackcloth bra and live in shame henceforth, alas and woe.

That's why I am so proud —nay, inspired — to see that one company at least is brave enough to step up and show the hidden horrors that transpire when a man accidentally uses lady soap.

There are THINGS THAT MUST BE DONE, gentlemen. Cars to be lifted. Sports to be played, desperately, in a blind grab at testosterone fumes. Beer to drink, cans to smash, women to insult, puppies to kick, animals to shoot, ANYTHING that will help bring a man back from death's (AKA woman's) door. And don't listen to those who try to tell you that it's just soap. It's never just soap. It's been scented. And poured into a curvy bottle with pastel colors. It's marketed specifically for vaginas. IT'S BEEN CONTAMINATED.

This ad is even more exceptionally brave when you consider that Summer's Eve is ostensibly a company that advertises its product to women. Now, normally, you would think that a company that makes a product specifically for the ladies' magical musty parts might think, "Hey, maybe we shouldn't create a commercial that portrays even the slightest woman-related compound as being fatal to masculinity everywhere, potentially life-ruining, horrific both in nature and scope, and all around the thing you DO NOT WANT." But you would be wrong. Because Summer's Eve has integrity.

They know that the real issue here is not whether or not they are making fun of the women they earn their money from for being icky gross women things. The issue is protecting America's men from fallopians, or whatever they call those things that will automatically replace your penis should you make the grave mistake of using a woman's cleansing product.

So be ye warned, men of America, and stand guard at all times, most especially in the shower or in the shampoo/body wash aisle. Danger lurks everywhere, and if you don't take necessary precautions, you might find yourself in the position of the brave victim in this powerful PSA — only instead of your wife admonishing you "That was close!" (i.e., are you crazy, you almost became like me and we both know how awful THAT is!), you might look at your wife — and realize THAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT YOUR CERTAINLY DOOMED SELF.