I work at a sex store. Here are the things that made me ragey today. This will be long. I'm sorry.

Thing 1. People who claim to have "silicone allergies". Silicone is used in some lubes and toys. It is a nonporous and hypoallergenic material. Silicone toys are the best because they are hard to damage and easy to clean, and silicone lube is the longest lasting lubricant you can find.

Today was just the day of people bullshitting me by saying they have a silicone allergy. Silicone is made from silicon, which is essentially sand. If these people can go to the damn beach and put their toes in the sand, they are not allergic to silicone. If they can use liquid hand soap or dish soap without breaking out into hives, they are not allergic to silicone. If they can use anti-frizz hair serums and makeup foundation without developing blisters, they are not allergic to silicone.

Yet I get people walking up to me holding a toy that says in big letters "SILICONE" and bitching at me because they want a lube that won't ever get sticky but they want it to be water-based. That doesn't exist, unfortunately, so if they really want something that will never dry out they need to get a silicone lube. I point out that they're holding a toy made of goddamn silicone, so are they sure they're allergic to it? They say "Yes, but only to certain silicones." I ask what types of silicones, they respond "The type of silicone they use in lubes." I let them know that the manufacturer for the toy they're holding gets their silicone from the same source as Pjur silicone lube, so if they're allergic to silicone then they're SOL on both lube and toys. They then say that I don't know what I'm talking about, grab the shittiest water-based lube on the shelf and pay.

I DO THIS FOR A LIVING, I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE ALLERGIC TO SOMETHING WHEN YOU'RE NOT? Maybe you've used silicone lubes in the past and they gave you a reaction. That's probably because you used too much of it (you only need about 1/5th of what you'd use of a water-based, the stuff is that good). If you use too much, the vagina has a harder time cleaning it out and it can then cause itching or a pH imbalance. But you're not allergic to it! You just don't know what you're doing!

Thing 2. Guys who come in to buy two condoms and only that because they're going to see a sex worker. This annoyance is weird because I'm totally okay with (non-coercive, non-abusive, adult) sex work and johns. I don't have a moral issue with that at all. I also think it's better that these guys are bringing condoms with them so that the provider they are seeing doesn't have to pay for the condoms themselves or worry about having all different sizes and whatnot.

But this is a sales job, and the two-condom dudes are assholes about it. We are tracked on our average transaction value, number of items per transactions and so forth. We are required to try to "add-on" things. These dudes are usually jumpy and trying to hurry us and rolling their eyes, but this guy today snapped at me for asking if he needed a lubricant or stimulating pill, or a bag. "I JUST NEED THIS. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME QUESTIONS?" So on top of fucking up my stats, you're yelling at me for doing my job. He then threw his cash and coins at my chest and walked out the door before I could pick it up to count it.

I don't mind people who come in with not a whole lot of money to spend. I'll find them the best damn thing I can for $15. It's the rudeness and rushing that I can't stand.

So, uh, don't do either of these things when you come into a sex store and I won't hate you.