Went to the woof and wine at the local pet shop. It was okay which in depression terms means pretty good. Talked to a frequent participant about the difference between nanny and babysitter which made me call myself a nanny. It feels more adult being that (I know and focus on things relevant to development and see the child on a more regular basis)and have some good ideas for my babysittee—- nannyee? Like making an unofficial contract that gives a set amount of hours per week (still flexible but allowing her to budget those hours through a week or two week period which I think will be helpful for her).

I'm nervous that my mood dip is more chemical than situational. My current psychiatrist is in Wisconsin. I haven't seen him since June when we were planning the move to Chicago which theoretically meant a different psychiatrist here. I still have pills but whatever allowance of giving refills without an office visit are running seriously low. If this mood dip is more than PMS, that means a lot of complications and traveling that I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle (though of course I will, if need be).

The bashing of GroupThink has kinda got to me. Watching a Studs Terkel doc on HBOGO made me think about GT. That it's like Studs Terkel minus the man himself (the "bartender"). It's the "common folks" speaking about their lives and experience and showing themselves to be more valuable than common. That means faults. But it's more honest faults than those of the MP authors. EGR coming and bashing posts (even if I felt those posts went too far) and deleting those comments unnerved me. I came here after being too put off by Huffpo comments so that should put into context where I think GT (even Clashtalk!) threads are in terms of internet criticism.

Two weeks ago, I recounted to Husband and Therapist how I was doing okay and part of that was due to being an active participant of GT and how I felt really proud of being un-greyed on Jez and Gawker. The whole EGR and other authors coming onto GT and the additional critique really phazed me. I wanted to put together a post collecting how many different subjects and page views (ESPECIALLY PAGE VIEWS) the GroupThink shares got... showing how THAT is what GroupThink produces.... produces a space (although not PRIVATE but safe in some ways) that enables expressions like the grief post from a week or so back.

And whatever. It's a sub-blog. Why should we feel proud especially in comparison to the mainpage? Well, when our GT shares get more hits than some weekday MP posts.... that should be when. Or when our participation in the "conversation" created is acknowledged. Like the overwhelming majority opinion to the Lena Dunham Vogue photos (which nearly all of you were ahead of me for condemning).

Maybe it's the "squalor" part that irks the would-be hoarder in me.

Then there's the massive inconsistency of the art post today. How suddenly it's okay to project and be superficial when it's "art" and when it's a male artist. It's okay to be judgemntal and superficial about his portrayal of his mother because it's ART or because it's an overweight male. Fuck them. I feel like Burt did while talking about the "gypsy" controversy in Britain. You don't get to suddenly decide that a mother would feel horrible if depicted by her overweight gay son b/c OMG he's fat! I haven't even FOUND one of the supposed NSFW pics that commenters are judging.

I think it's a great section of work (although maybe not NYC alert worthy) that explores numerous gender and familial issues but also the idea of a gay son seeing himself in his mother and seeing his mother in himself by shooting these pictures.

There should be a sarcastic "ART PANIC" alongside "GAY PANIC" with these posts.

I'm down and slightly depressed and secretly have that worry/desire that people would miss me if I were gone/ give a shit. I don't know. I'm just describing the world that I lived in today and how I felt it. Which I hope is worth something to both lurkers and GT/Jez participants alike.

Most importantly, I hope it means something to me.