How Not to Talk About Michael Sam

If you say any of these things about Michael Sam, you really need to just go ahead take it easy there, champ. Why don't you just stop talking for a while? You'll be doing the rest of us a favor.

"Why is this news?"

Name all the openly gay male athletes in major North American team sports. That's why. Although, honestly, if you're asking this question, you probably can't name all the countries in North America, so this request may be a bridge too far for you.

"This isn't important. Why does he need to tell them and us he's gay? No one cares if straight people declare that they're straight. Why should we care that he's gay?"

I really have no idea. It also wasn't news when the Dodgers signed Jackie Robinson, or when Doug Williams (and later Tony Dungy) won a Super Bowl. Or when this happened. It's clearly not news at all when a barrier is broken down. Nope. No news here.

For fuck's sake, this goddamn comment. When someone says this, it means one of only two possible things:

A) "Well, shit, they won't let me call him a f——t any more, what can I say to completely marginalize him and make this story go away so I can assuage my droopy bonerfeelings?"
B) "I don't want to think about gay people because they're icky. Ewwwwww, make them go away!"

(Also, and I shouldn't have to clarify this, but I'm not comparing Michael Sam coming out to America electing the first non-white President ever. For fuck's sake, calm down, I realize they're not remotely comparable. I'm just using it to highlight how absurd it is that people are trying to regard a major barrier being broken down as "not really news." I can't believe I need to explain this)

"I have gay friends, but—"

Let me just stop you right there so I can say:

How Not to Talk About Michael Sam


"If he doesn't get drafted, it won't be because of homophobia."

He was the Defensive Player of the Year in the best college football conference probably in the history of time, playing one of the most heavily-needed specialties (speed rusher) in football. Of course it fucking will be because of homophobia if he doesn't get drafted.

For the record, he's definitely getting drafted. There are at least five teams that won't let him slip past the 4th round under any circumstances (WHOOPS! This turned out to be WAY too optimistic of me), and for all of his general dickishness on other issues, Roger Goodell is actually pretty well acquainted with this issue (I know, I was as disappointed as you are to learn that there's something humanizing about Roger Goodell).

"He must be doing this for publicity."

Or because it was basically an open secret that he was gay, his teammates had known for the entire year, NFL Execs had already been hearing rumors to that effect, and it was a matter of time before the story broke in one form or another, so he decided to tell it his way and own the narrative. Meaning he's not just a brave kid, he's also savvy. Also, if you're saying this, you're a complete fuckwit.

By the way, if the Dolphins draft him, I'm grabbing the www.freemichaelsam.com domain name as fast as I possibly can.

"He's immoral and something something bigotry something something the Bible something something weird obsession with gay sex something something eat da poo poo something something I have the intellectual capacity of peat moss."

My answer to this one involves a two-by-four and what Bryce Harper does when he gets an inside fastball, so imma just leave this here.