Listen up, ladies! I know you all like to prattle on about victim this, rape culture that. Seriously, I don't understand how you can all be on your periods at once! Now, I know I'm probably going to get flamed by those feminazis at Jezebel for this, but it's time that I took a stand on behalf of all men. The matriarchy is real and we're not going to stand for the misandry that society continues to heap on men.
Unlike most women, who are known for their weak bootstrap-lifting muscles, I've accomplished everything I've ever done without the help of a single other person. But when I go to work, do I get the respect I deserve? Of course not. Everyone just assumes that I make a dollar to every 77 cents of my female coworkers because of stupid things like discrimination and "institutional sexism". Um, excuse me, just because you're women doesn't mean you get to just make up words. I can't even give someone a compliment anymore without some harpy running to HR. I mean, I would be flattered if someone told me how great they think I'd be at giving oral sex, or told me how great my ass looked in my pants. Besides, why do you wear clothes that fit you correctly if you don't want me to make increasingly suggestive comments about it?
I can't even go out on the street anymore without being treated like some kind of deviant! Is there something so wrong with ordering a woman to smile? All I'm trying to do is make the world a happier place, but it's like every woman that I try to engage with thinks I'm some sort of rapist just because I followed her around and tried to talk to her. Hell-oooooo, not every man is trying to rape you, Miss THING. If you don't loudly shout out "leave me alone" so that everyone can hear, how am I supposed to know that you're not interested?
And don't even get me started on rape. According to a survey of my buddies that have been accused of rape by some slampiece, the incidence of false rape allegations is 100%. Why isn't anybody reporting on that? But as soon as a woman wakes up during sex with a guy and she regrets it, she starts throwing around accusations. Now don't get me wrong; I'm anything but pro-rape. But you know what's even more important? Protecting men. It's pretty obvious that a chick's first instinct after having having sex with someone that they regret is to accuse him of a horrendous crime and ruin his life. And they totally get away with it because no one ever questions a woman's account of alleged sexual assault or ever thinks they deserve any blame for their behavior. I know when I walk down dark alleys with my wallet overflowing with cash and get mugged by one of those black guys that mugs people in dark alleys, I don't blame that black guy; I blame myself.
Then, when some female I banged gets knocked up, all of a sudden she starts coming after my money? Sorry honey, but I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can do to keep you from getting pregnant. I don't see how that's my responsibility. Maybe you shouldn't have had sex if you didn't want to deal with a baby. It's not my fault that condoms suck so much. Why should I have to pay money to you every month just because you couldn't practice self-control? Just so you can live high on the hog? I shouldn't have to pay to fund your life of luxury with my $430 a month. Well, the gravy train stops here, sister.
Of course, all this could be avoided if you'd just get an abortion, since we all know women that just use it as a form of birth control because getting an abortion is way easier than any other form of birth control (except condoms because I just want to feel YOU, baby). Then you have the nerve to complain that you have to drive hundreds of miles and walk by a crowd of people screaming at you and meet with a doctor and wait 24 hours and go back and walk by a crowd of people screaming at you again and be required to have an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat and have a nurse tell you about the growing life inside you and then pay hundreds or thousands of dollars and then walk by a crowd of people screaming at you one more time and then drive hundreds of miles home. Maybe you should have thought about that before you let me have sex with you.
I'm pretty sure I've made my point. The patriarchy doesn't exist, rape culture is a lie, and misandry is definitely a real, not-made-up thing that women are using to hold down men just because we're better leaders and people and made in God's own image. I'm willing to accept your coming apology on behalf of all men (especially the nice guys) for the way we've been wronged, and also for the slandering of the classiest of hats, the fedora. Besides, it's actually a trilby, duh.
Image by Paul Smith.
McUncool yells at people on Twitter at @joshuaadavidd.