Fuck you, asshole douche bro! Here is my story of how homophobic misogynist straight cis male bullshit ruined my date this weekend with my girlfriend.
So, I never get to go out on dates with my girlfriend. We don't see each other enough due to work circumstances and when we do, there is always some family obligation or some errands or no money or something. It's always something. Anyway, I was super psyched because we had some time and I decided I would take her to see Captain America: Winter Soldier. So we got in the car on Sunday and off we went to the big giant theaterplex.
Everything was awesome, many inside jokes on the ride (g/f is so witty), we got our tickets (it was a 3D showing I was unaware until I got there) and since we were early and g/f was hungry we stopped at one of the cafes inside the theatre. Got a few buffalo chicken wraps (which were very yummy) and sat down across from each other at the table marked 1 in the diagram - right after g/f pointed out that we should have got one wrap and some nachos so we could share. Why are you always so right, g/f?
Anyway, I was the person in blue facing the rear tables. So this guy walks out behind us with a hotdog bun and sits at table 2, in the red position shown. There is tons of hotdog related detritus around him and I can't help but notice he keeps looking at us. So I'm already getting a bit edgy because you just know somethings up sometimes, you know? I know a 'normal' look when I see one and this was not normal. It also wasn't stopping. G/f could not see him this whole time as her back was to him, while I was keeping my guard up.
After a bit, he says to me, from his chair:
"Can I sit with you guys? I want to eat my hotdog."
Um, what? No dude. Wtf.
Me: "No." I look around at free tables, "You're fine." *points at empty tables.
Him: "I just want to sit with you guys, I don't judge."
Oh shit, he doesn't judge? I see, this is a gay thing! He starts getting out of his chair like he's coming over anyway while he says this. Okay now I'm pissed.
Me: "Just stay where you are, dude."
Me: "We're fine without you, just stay. where. you. are."
I am getting a bit more forceful now. G/f can see I have the rage eyes. She gets the nervous look.
Him, gets up to leave the area completely, "Fucking bitches. Mumble mumble mumble."
G/F: "Well you sure shut that down right quick."
Me: "I do not have time for that bullshit."
...then silence. Then we finish our wraps and go into the theatre. Movie was awesome. Previews were not bad either, now I want to see Godzilla. Anyway....
We never talk about these things. Whats the point? We both know whats up. Last time we went on a date, we went to hockey game and this couple next to us whispered and pointed and giggled the entire time. We never get to go out together and do anything. I'm now 0 for 2 on my last two 'dates' with my g/f. The woman apologized during the second intermission about her dude, as if it makes it any better. This shit happens all the damned time and there is nothing that will ever make it better. This is what it's like being visibly queer and dating.
So we don't discuss it. It will just upset us further. Part of that is because I get ragey. More ragey than her. We all deal with things differently and I am a wall puncher and a cryer. She is not. I suck it all in because I don't want to upset her and one can't go around hulk smashing in public. I get resentful that I have to hold it in all the time. I want to rage. I'm angry. I'm angry that this kind of thing keeps happening over and over and it will never get better in my lifetime. I just know that. I feel completely impotent and frankly, sometimes I wanna kill a man. If there is a better time to rage then when some asshole ruins your date by being a bigot, I would like to hear when that might be.
Then again, he didn't say "I hate gays." so, to some, perhaps I was not 'nice' enough or did not give him the benefit of the doubt since that is apparently the only way to be homophobic according to some (straight cis) people. After all, he doesn't judge. Maybe I am just too sensitive. Honestly, straight cis people have me thinking that some times, so thanks for that, straight cis people. Your gaslighting works!
So I worry I have already upset her by not being nicer in the first place. I basically caused this guy to call us bitches, but wtf? Was I supposed to be okay with his bullshit? All of these questions and more. You try to take your partner out on a date, it's supposed to relieve strain on your relationship, not cause more. But its just so hard on a relationship to be under attack. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault because I'm so 'gay' looking. It hits me in the internalized homophobia spot because I worry I am bringing trouble down on my partner by being 'too gay'. Imagine what that might feel like. To not even want to date other minorities because you are too other, and you don't want to make things worse for them.