Shorts. How do they work?

Recently, my husband and I were going out to an event where we'd be outside for an extended period of time. I put on jeans.

"You'll get hot. Why don't you wear something else?"

"We'll be up and down a lot. I don't want to wear a skirt or a dress."

"What about shorts."

"I don't own any shorts."

"How... how do you not own shorts?!"

I used to be able to wear shorts. I wore them all the time. Little hotpants shorts, slightly longer shorts, capris. They looked fab. Then something happened. In the past five years or so, I haven't run across a pair of shorts that I thought looked good on me.

I decided it was just because I wasn't trying on enough pairs, so I went to Target and started pulling all manner of shorts off the rack. Certainly, at least one pair of shorts would look good on me!

No. Just... no. They looked weird in the crotch. They made my normal legs look like I had thunder thighs. The butt fit strangely. They were insanely short. Every. Goddamn. Pair.

Am I alone? Are there others who have trouble finding shorts? I'm going over to a higher end store tonight, hoping that it was just Target being weird.