Dots

Dots

Dots

So PSH died of an overdose which consisted of approximately all of the drugs. I didn't really know his work that well, but I have been following the proceedings surrounding his death closely.

I'm a recovering addict and famous people drug deaths like this rattle me so badly. I'm not abstinent — I drink alcohol moderately and I take my prescribed medication as directed — and for some reason this whole thing has sent me into spirals of terror. I generally sleep well but I have this one dream that I'm high and that my parents can tell. In the dream I am just staggering around feeling all the shame and horror that a relapse would bring. Then I fight my way out of the daze of being "high" and I'm lying in bed in my new life next to my partner.

I lay there the other night after I woke from this crappy dream in the predawn light, fighting off the panic. I was obsessively combing over my habits of alcohol consumption and my compliance with my medications and my work habits and my sex life and anything, anything that could be evidence of a relapse. There is, of course, nothing. Just that Mad Eye Moody credo of "constant vigilance" that keeps me safe.

If I do get into medical school this year, if I do become the research scientist I want to become, if I do get to wish upon a star, I want to cure overdoses. I just wish everyone got the second and third chances that I got at life.

This has been Maudlin Seize time. It is now over. I am going to have some tea and go to bed. Be kind and rewind :)