OKC Racist Asshole: A Lesson in How to Apologize So I'll Hate YouS

So yesterday, Laura treated us to a lovely article about a terrible human being in Boston who was trying to accomplish the noblest of feats, if you define nobility as making decent humans vomit in their mouths: he wished to celebrate Black Friday the way white men have been since time immemorial, by treating Black women as less than human!

If you have the stomach for it (remember, vomit in the mouth), here's the message:

Happy Black Friday. You're super cute. I love black girls. I'm from Oakland and I've dated my fair share of black girls, but every year, as a tradition, I try to go out with a black girl on Black Friday. Would you be down for hanging out tonight? I'm worried that I'm not going to find a black girl that I like here in Boston

Let's go out tonight and have some fun. I know it's really not PC what I'm asking, but who cares. I love black girls and I love the idea of having this tradition for Black Friday. Part of my sense of humor and taste in women

Jacob

I should probably take this second to apologize on behalf of all white people. Oh wait, no I shouldn't, because as a white person I'm not expected to answer for the actions of every white person.

There's literally nothing about this that's not absolutely disgusting and presumptive and speak of Black women as something to be possessed by white men. He even outright says it when he speaks of dating his fair share of Black women. He's worried that he's not going to find a Black woman that he likes in Boston.

What a Black woman wants is immaterial - and really, what woman wouldn't want a piece of that? It doesn't matter. He needs to get his share of the Black women, once he finds one that he likes, of course.

Well, unfortunately for Jacob, one of the women to whom he sent this disgusting message passed it on and it went viral. His OKCupid profile was disabled, then restored with a new message for all the mean people that have been big meanies just because he's not PC for all us squares. I won't link his OKC profile on here, because he has pictures with another person who doesn't deserve to have people gawking at her just because her friend Jacob is a disgusting racist, but I assure you his username is the ridiculously unsurprising.

I'm constantly amazed at people's inability to properly apologize. The degree of difficulty involved in apologizing to someone in a way that doesn't make you a worse person than you were before it is laughably low. It's really a three-step process:

1. Say that you're sorry. And stop there. If you use the word "if" after the word "sorry" you have failed.

2. Explain why you're sorry and what you have done to necessitate an apology. This shows that you care that you've done something wrong to someone.

3. There is no step 3.

Sadly, Jacob fails. I'm going to respond to Jacob line by line, because there's a lot that's said and it's a whole lot of awful.

So, I fucked up.

Hey, good start Jacob! Maybe I was wrong about y—

I sent out a message and it was deemed offensive and Blog worthy…

...well shit. You started out so strong, Jacob! See, here's the thing, Jake - can I call you Jake? When you say that it was "deemed" offensive, you put the blame for the anger and hurt and offense squarely on those that were offended by the offensive (and yes, blog-worthy) things that you said.

So now, I'm being viewed as a racist Douchebag.

Again, Jake, you're shifting the blame. Yes, you are being viewed as a racist douchebag. The reason for this is because you exhibited behavior that is indicative of one being a racist douchebag. I'd be more apt to describe you as a racist, privileged, purposely dense, unthinking, unfeeling asshole, but to each their own.

I told my friends and they were sad because they know I am not racist or a douchebag.

I'm sorry that your friends had a sad. I've had friends that done something shitty and suffered consequences for those actions. It made me sad too. You know what made me more sad? That my friends did asshole things. That my friends refused to simply apologize and make amends. Honestly, I hope what you said makes your friends more sad than the fact that people are calling you a racist. If not, that says a lot about your friends.

I've never been the subject of internet comment rage. It's both stupid (because the comments are misguided) and cowardly. And sending me anonymous, pictureless messages to my inbox does not constitute bravery and strength in my opinion.

Honestly, Jake, I feel you here. It's easy to sit behind a computer and fire off an offensive message to someone, confident in your belief that the person on the other end of the message will never know who you are and there will be no consequences for what you say. People that do that sure are cowardly.

But I caused it myself I guess. All I can do is say that I am sorry to those I offended.

JAKE! YOU DID IT! You apologized without tacking on an if! Step one complete! Now you just have to get into a discussion of why what you said was wrong and—

I don't want to get into a discussion about why I think my message, albeit off-color was taken wrong.

WHY, JAKE?! WE WERE DOING SO WELL. Your message was not off-color, and it was not "taken wrong". Off-color is a joke about the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat. You wrote an awful, dehumanizing thing, and it was taken exactly as it was written.

Obviously that's how some people took it and they thought it was only fair to blast my name and picture all over the internet.

That sucks. People can do what they want, but it sucks.

You have something of a point here, Jake. I know the idea of doxxing people is controversial, and even I haven't made up my mind on it. But there are also better ways to respond to this. Let's face it, if you hadn't been exposed, you would be sending the same message to the Black women in Boston that you find acceptable next November. You could take this as an opportunity, to learn and better yourself.

It sucks a lot more than the message you dislike so much.

WRONG, JAKE. Being exposed as a racist is not worse than being racist. You are wrong and you will always be wrong.

It was an uncouth message, but not mean spirited or hateful in the least.

"Uncouth" is defined as "lacking good manners, refinement, or grace." Belching at the dinner table and not saying "excuse me" is uncouth. What you said was racist. And here's the thing that racists don't understand: racism doesn't only come in the form of hate. Racism isn't just using the n-word and burning crosses; the message you sent was one more aggression against Black women by white men. The outrage is universal, but the shock of your message is felt much more by white people. You know why? Black women deal with this Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Lesson learned. I feel like shit. I hope they take my name and picture down off their blog, but I can't see them having sympathy for my feelings. I'm a good target now.

Just saying "lesson learned" doesn't mean it's true, Jake. You have to actually display some sort of awareness for what the lesson is, and it's clear that you haven't. Everything that you're saying paints yourself at the victim. You are not the victim. Every woman that you sent your disgusting message to has been victimized by you. And take heart; you're a good target now, but it won't be long before outrage is directed at some other clueless white guy who's fetishizing a woman of color. Because it literally happens always. It's probably happening as I write this.

I made a mistake and this is how the internet rectifies mistakes.

Sometimes the internet is shitty. I prefer this method to the old days, when white men were discouraged from treating Black women like objects exactly never.

So, I will say again, if it didn't come across, I'm sorry.

I have a feeling that you're not going to have a lot of people accept your apology, Jake. What you did wasn't just express your appreciation for Black women. Black women are indeed beautiful. They're also fellow human beings. Your attitude, as expressed by your initial message, is one where Black women's humanity is secondary to her skin color. This has been the case in this country for as long as there have been Black people here - because we shipped them over, forcibly, to be our property. Your words may be fetishizing rather than hateful, but they still send a clear message: You are Black before you are a person. You express no concern for how your words may have hurt those women.

You've internalized the idea of Black women as sexual objects, as less feeling, as possessing a perverse kind of strength that makes them less deserving of empathy, compassion and respect. This idea makes Black women more susceptible to rape, assault, murder, and violent misogynistic racism you can't even fathom - that I can't even fathom. You will never understand that because no matter what you do or where you go, whatever accomplishments or mistakes you make, you are always going to be Jacob. You'll always have a name, and an identity, and humanity. You took that away when you sent those messages. You stripped those women of their humanity and reduced them to skin and bodies that they don't even own. I hope one day you learn THAT lesson.

McUncool yells at people on Twitter, often in all caps, @joshuaadavidd.