After knowing me for 20 minutes, cutting me off when I was trying to say stuff, you declaring that "You romanticize your suicidal thoughts" when I made zero reference to anything resembling that made me think one thing: Fuck you.

So, after last weeks post where I discussed my suicidal thoughts, I realised that I needed support. I can't afford to pay for therapy, so I called mental health services at school. I've never in my life wanted to punch someone in the face as much as I did this psychologist when it came to my depression. I'm thankful that I waited until I was feeling a bit better because I could have never handled that intake appointment last week.

He also told me my life was a mess and chaotic and out of control. Um, no - again nothing I said pointed to this. Yes, my "internal" life so to speak is that way, but all things considered, my shit's pretty together. It's actually much more so than most people, thankyouverymuch.

Fuuuuuuck, dude, I know CBT therapy helps out a lot of people, but a detached somewhat unempathetic course of therapy is not going to help me (And yes, I know that many CBT therapists are very empathetic lovely people, but he seemed to think that I needed "tough love" - that's what I had growing up, people telling me to suck it up and get on with it, I don't need that in a therapeutic relationship). I don't need homework - it will just be one more thing that I have to do and can potentially fail at - I don't need the added stress and subsequent shame that I'll feel if I don't complete it.

I stood my ground, and insisted on brief psychodynamic treatment as long as the person DID NOT have any training as a psychoanalyst - all of my previous therapists were, and I need to move away from it. They always tried to link my depressive episodes with a "reason" or trigger, but that was the trouble - there was no "reason" anymore, we had worked through much of the reasons which basically eliminated all the anxiety I used to feel (I rarely feel anxious anymore and it used to be a constant precursor to depressive episodes). My depressive episodes are now for the most part are completely trigger-less - they just happen and I can't control it. Trying to find a reason is trying to find something that is simply not there. Like trying to find the reason why someone has a psychotic episode - sometimes the neurons misfire and shit happens.

I have no idea what to focus on for this brief psychodynamic therapy. It might sound odd, but I think I want to focus on making peace with the therapy process itself, wading through all the shitty feelings left over from a disastrous ending of my first therapy and the stagnation of the second therapy thereafter (which lasted for almost two years) due to my previous experience. It's been a good long break now.

Is that nutty? Going to therapy to unpack previous therapy relationships that kinda fucked you up? It's just so frustrating - I've been in therapy for almost 7 years now and I keep being told that I need to go because I suffer such severe bouts of depression, but jesus, when does it end?