Husband 2.0 and I have been married for 13 years and have two kids, ages 10 and 6. My relationship is less than ideal. Some backstory: We dated for almost three years before we got married, and lived together for two. We had good sex and got along well, even though we didn't share a lot of common interests. Then a couple of months after we got married, I found out a number of shocking things about him. Right before we got married, he had been caught stealing money from work, in the six figure range over the course of six years. His parents bailed him out and insisted that he confess to me. He never did; I found out about it when I accidentally stumbled across an email from his old boss. He lied to try cover it up and was caught in that as well. I also found out that he had lied about many other things, among them having an undergraduate degree. He also told me countless stories about his college life, none of which actually happened.
When I found this out, I remember thinking that if I divorced him I would be in my mid-30s, no closer to the kids I wanted (husband 1.0 and divorced amicably after I hit 30 and realized that I actually did want kids), and would be twice-divorced. In retrospect I realize that none of these was a good reason to consider staying with someone, but it made some sense then. I gave myself some time to make a decision, during which went to therapy. It really seemed like he had made changes and we had made progress as a couple. We stayed together and had our two kidlets. The first pregnancy was rough but we survived.
Things started to go downhill after the second kid. We haven't had sex in almost four years, not by my choice. First he couldn't get it up, then he couldn't finish, then he just gave up completely. We just essentially live as friendly roommates, and he won't agree to any alternative relationship arrangements. I enjoy his company at times but there is no real chemistry or connection. I have also caught him in lies about money. Part of our agreement when we stayed together was that we would talk about any purchases over $100. I found out that he was spending much more than this on accessories for his hobby but hiding it by sending the purchases to work. We have some cushion but not enough for what he was spending. I called him out on this and he recommitted to the $100 deal.
Then a computer appears with a story about how it was won at a raffle from work, which is a lie. Blow up and forgiveness. Then it's $2500 on his hobby, which he spent without telling me but with the intention of selling old equipment to pay off. This actually did happen, but I had to explain that telling me about it even though there was no net gain or loss would have been preferable, given our history. The thing is that I find out about all of this stuff because we have a shared email app and now I trust him so little that I check his email occasionally. I both hate that I do this and that I feel the need to do it.
Two months ago, he opened a $17,000 line of credit without asking or telling me. It was the final straw and I lost my shit when I found out. He said he got it because he wanted to have money available in case he needed it, and that he had no intention of telling me. I very clearly told him that this was the last time, that I would leave him and take the kids if he did it again. We have been in therapy again for almost two years, and seem to continually return to the same money/trust issues.
After the credit line issue, he started therapy on his own again. He always had difficulty remembering his childhood, and had a difficult relationship with his mother. She always seemed like she could barely tolerate him, and essentially admitted this in an email to him recently. Therapy helped him remember some pretty extensive physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his mom.
I just don't know what to do. It feels like so much work to stay with him. It's not even like I'm getting sex out of the deal. But I can't afford to live with the kids on my own, not to mention how devastated they would be without him. Part of me thinks that maybe the progress he's made in therapy will make a difference in his actions but another part thinks I'm an idiot. I do know that I am unhappy. Thoughts, insights, advice, commiseration please.