Foods That Should Not Exist


Inspired by Jess.

Unsalted Butter — NO. NOT FOR ANY REASON EVER. NOT EVEN FOR BAKING (just use less salt in the recipe). Unsalted butter is a fucking abomination. I can still remember the first time I had it: "why does my toast taste like unhappiness given form? Why has all light suddenly gone out of the world, to be replaced only by miserable, skulking darkness? OH THAT'D BE WHY." Unsalted butter is God's way of continuing to punish us for letting slavery exist for so long.

Low-Fat Sour Cream — There are places in which low-fat Sour Cream is used as a capital punishment. Personally, I think its much more effective than whipping or cutting off someone's hand. Yes, I am saying I would rather suffer either of these punishments than eat low-fat sour cream. Low-fat Sour Cream might be less humane than caning, but sometimes inflicting horrible food tortures on the worst of your criminals is the price you have to pay for a healthy society.

Anything with Aspartame — This includes all Diet Sodas, pretty much. I'm not sure how the fuck any of you people have learned to tolerate the most atrocious aftertaste in food history (seriously, it tastes like a rodent took a dump on your tongue after about three seconds), but I can only assume Diet Soda infects you with a parasite that changes your brain chemistry to not realize how fucking disgusting aspartame is. I watch all Diet Soda drinkers closely for the time when the parasite finishes gestating and bursts out of their chest.

Bacon Substitutes — KILL THEM WITH FIRE. ALL OF THEM. EVERY ONE. NO EXCEPTIONS. TURKEY BACON IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Tempeh — I'm pretty sure Tempeh is made from what they scrape off the grilles of 18-wheelers that have just pulled a cross-country haul. The first time I put it in my mouth, it caused me to question the existence of God, because no just and loving deity could allow Tempeh to happen.

Wild Rice — Look, if I wanted to eat shitty brown gravel, I'd eat shitty brown gravel. I wouldn't pretend it's rice and that the dirt flavor is somehow fucking wholesome.

Pineapple as a Pizza Topping — What the fuck is wrong with you.

Boiled Brussels Sprouts — If you sautee or fry (or even better, deep-fry) Brussels Sprouts, they're wonderful. Unfortunately, most people don't realize this, because the most common way to cook them is to boil them. There is no better evidence for the inherently evil nature of humanity than our tendency to boil Brussels Sprouts.

Any Kind of Olives — I call them "Eyeballs of Hatred."

Pepper-Jack Cheese — Pepper-Jack cheese has found a way to break my brain. Every time I encounter it, I think "well, this couldn't possibly be as traumatizing as every other time I've put it in my mouth; it's cheese! I love cheese!" Then I eat it, and this rapidly shifts to "OH GOD WHY IS THERE A WAR CRIME GOING ON IN MY MOUTH." I want to go back in time and find the first person who thought you should inject cheese with something as disgusting as peppers and murder them before they can inflict their horror on the world. I'm not even kidding; if I had access to a time machine, this would be the first thing I'd do, THEN I'd go kill Hitler.

Any food from Boston Market — I'm reasonably certain this food chain was put on Earth SPECIFICALLY to troll me. It's the most disgusting place I've ever eaten, and yet all of my so-called friends seem to think its perfectly fine. Every so often I'll go eat there just because I get lulled into a false sense of security, then five minutes later I seriously contemplate suicide if it'll only make that horrible chicken-ish flavor go away.

"Natural" Sugarless Applesauce — The creation process for sugarless applesauce must've started like this at the Mott's factory: "Hey, this applesauce is great, but you know what the problem is?" "What, sir?" "That it has brought joy to someone, somewhere in the world. Make a version that doesn't have sugar and tastes like vinegary apple-death." "Right away, sir."

Quiche — FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU QUICHE NEEDS TO DIE IN A FIRE I LOATHE YOU TO THE CORE OF MY BEING YOU AWFUL NON-FOOD EGGTROCITY.