Mind To Paper: My Experience With Depression

There's something I've been trying to articulate for a long time. It's a feeling that's been there since I was small, when cognition began, when the depression first started.

When my fish die, when that big black dog takes over, the easiest way for me to explain the feeling is to say that everything is wrong. But that's not really it. And when I say that, I know that's not really it. But sometimes it's much easier to speak in black-and-white terms when everything feels like night anyway.

The truth is that many things are right. I know I am lucky. I have a job. I have a family that loves me. I can buy dinner out if I want it. The sunshine still hits my face when I walk outside in the Spring, and often, that makes me feel warm inside.

The real problem is that something isn't right. It might be one thing; it might be multiple things. It might be a trauma that occurred. It may be a chemical imbalance. It may just be that my brain doesn't work quite right. But since I was small, since I could pick up a teddy bear, I picked up something else, too: The knowledge that something wasn't quite right inside me.

And I'm not sure if that feeling rooted itself so early, that feeling that grew its own roots and affixed itself into my being, is the very thing that has grown to overshadow all of the good. Perhaps if I wouldn't have let that feeling feel real, it would have gone away before it made a home. Perhaps I watered it with my over-thinking.

Nevertheless, it is with me today. That not-quite-right feeling.

The weird thing about depression is it makes you feel undeserving. It makes you look at your life, and realize that things could be so much worse, and then look at your depression and say "I don't deserve to feel you, my life isn't bad enough." But if you have depression, your life is bad enough, because it makes it that way. It makes everything difficult, and everything weighty. It makes everything hazy.

I always strive the shake the not-quite-right, and I believe that I will, one day. And I hope the same for all of you who struggle with this. I see others struggling with it daily. I don't know how you feel. But I know that if you say you suffer from the same thing I do, you're in pain. I hope that one day everything is almost completely alright, and the not-quite-right goes away.