How to Apologize on GT

Welp, you've done it, haven't you? You posted some bullshit that's straight-up offensive, degrading and/or general asshattery toward a large segment of the GT community. Heck, maybe you've even made a real giant douchecanoe of yourself and re-argued some asinine fuckery in the comments when people rightly pointed out how bullshitty your bullshit was. Things are NOT OK for you right now, my friend.

Well fear not! Your old buddy OregonBeast is here to potentially help you out of this little conundrum. Using the latest in "quit being a fucking fuckhead, fucker" techniques, it's my pleasure to provide this step-by-step process to get the most out of your Apology on GT. Let's get to it.

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OK, so I want to apologize.

Fannnnnnnn-tastic! Now, let's first think about why you really want to apologize.

Well, I want to apologize.

Yeah, I get that. But here's the thing: Do you want to apologize because you were wrong about something and hurt other people, or do you want to apologize because you're hurt and you want everybody to like you again?

There's a difference?

Yes. And the difference is recognizing just what the fuck you did was actually wrong. See, an actual apology recognizes the fact that what you did was absolutely totally, beyond a shadow of a doubt wrong, horrible and generally cockish. And you know your dickery has caused real, genuine hurt to your fellow GT participants. You want them to understand that you understand you were wrong, your wrongness hurt them, and you are genuinely sorry your wrongness hurt them.

Meanwhile, apologizing so everybody will like you again means you're actually not sorry. You just can't stand the fact that everybody has re-classified you as a twatwaffle. You're hoping that the right mix of "I apologize for dropping that massive, steaming pile of pachyderm feces" wording might get you fished out of Twatwaffle Creek. Basically, this isn't even an apology, and anyone with even a decently-fucntioning pachyderm feces detector is going to fish that bull elephant shit out.

So, if you don't actually believe you were wrong, you're probably better off not apologizing and just taking your lumps for being the undergarment skidmark you actually are.

OK, so I'm certain I'm truly sorry. How should I craft my apology post?

Post? Post? You don't need no fucking post!

I don't?

Well, maybe, maybe not. Are there certain, specific posters you need to apologize to?

Maybe.

Well, what about just apologizing to them? Go back into the thread y'all were mixing it up in and offer you true, genuine apology.

But nobody will see it then!

Yeah, true. But it is about actually apologizing to the person or letting other people see you're apologizing to the person? If it's about letting that person you fucked over know you're sorry you were such a taintrash, then address it directly to them. (as much as KInja lets you without private messaging)

But there's a lot of people I pissed off. A post might be a better idea.

OK, Scooter, let's see what you got.

"I am truly sorry for that thing I did."

Good start.

"When I said those things, I was trying to..."

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA THERE, SLAPPY.

What?

Why the fuck do you feel the need to explain it?

Well, I just want to make sure everybody knows I wasn't trying to...

No.

No?

No.

Why no?

Because when you've hurt somebody and you were wrong and want to do better in the future (which is, the last time I checked, what constitutes an actual fucking apology), does it honestly matter what your intent was? No, it doesn't. That you didn't go in with the specific goal of being a sphincterbooger doesn't diminish the fact you were, in fact, a sphincterbooger. Your motivations in the past aren't what's important here. What's important is acknowledging you were wrong.

Trying to explain what you were out to do when you were wrong serves no function. All it really does is attempt to paint you as not being the festering cumboil you've managed to position yourself as by your own stupid behavior. This, once again, puts the focus on you rather than truly attempting to correct your shitty behavior.

OK, no explanation. Just "I'm sorry and I promise I'll do better in the future"?

Yeah...

I sense there's a "but" coming.

DAMN FUCKING STRAIGHT THERE'S A "BUT" COMING.

Alright...

Yeah, but if you're going to say you'll be better about your turdsurfing behavior in the future, there's an important detail: YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO ACTUALLY STOP BEING A TURDSURFER. You need to recognize when that wave of puspuntery is coming in, and not paddle out on your freshly-waxed turd to hang ten on it. Maybe this will require posting less for a while, or not at all for a bit. The important thing here is that you deal with your fuckery, and not repeat it in the future. The apology is not the end of the story, merely the end of the first chapter.

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Hopefully this guide will serve you all well, should you find yourself committing some written Goatseing in the future. Farewell for now, and good luck in the future.