I'm not sure where to begin here. There are two things in my life that have been unrelated until recently.
First: I've struggled on and off with anxiety and depression most of my adult life. The anxiety has always been there, the depression seems to come in waves. I've been riding the latest wave of depression since July with no end in sight.
Second: Ever since I was 13, I've been one of those lucky gals whose period was barely a blip on the radar. No cramps, relatively stable mood both before and during my period, and dependable as the moon.
Now, the two seem to be merging in a pretty disturbing way. The last two months, in the days leading up to and including the day my period starts, I've been having suicidal thoughts. As if that's not scary enough, these thoughts appear in my head in a cold, clear and logical manner. It seems like a perfectly normal thing to think about. While one part of me views this in a calm manner, the other part is freaking out about the part that thinks suicidal thoughts are ok.
I find myself fantasizing about when and how I would do it. Today at work, for about an hour, I had a plan to stop at the store on my way home, buy an X-acto knife and bandages, go home, sit in my tub and see what happens. Things seemed to subside as soon as my period actually started.
Obviously I'm in a shitty place. I'm lonely as fuck and I don't have anyone in my life that I can lean on for support. Partly because I can't ask for help from anybody EVER and the rest is because my family has their own major shit that they're going through and I only have work friends but no real friends.
Has anybody else gone through this or is going through something similar? I don't really know what to do here. I'm not even sure why I wrote this other than to (hopefully) get it out of my system.