TW - suicide, depression, mental illness. Please don't mainpage.

I know there's this concept that suicide is inherently a selfish act. I've heard people close to me say so as well. To be completely honest, I never really thought much about it. I've never known anyone who killed themselves and up until recently I never even considered it* (just to be clear, NOT considering it now. Will explain more at the end by the asterisk).

I guess I can see how one would think it's selfish. Because from an outside perspective it looks like the person didn't care about how anyone else would feel if they died.

I just want to take a detour and assume that thought process is true. That the person who killed him or herself knew that others would be devastated and just didn't care. Am I fucked up for thinking that's...not horrible? I feel like on a day to day basis, people put their own feelings above the feelings of those around them. And isn't is selfish for the people alive to be like "I wanted them to stay alive because it made me happy even if they were suffering"? That's pretty damn selfish too, no?

Anyway, back to the main road. I know when I briefly considered suicide, I wasn't thinking "everyone will miss me so much." I was thinking the opposite. Because depression is a giant fucking asshole who convinces you that everyone hates you and wants you gone. So if I were to have gone through with it, which I am happy to say I did not, in my mind it would have been more of a selfless act. Because then I would not longer be a burden on anyone around me and everyone would be happier without me around.

I don't know. I think people just really don't understand mental illness at all and make no attempts to try. I get that it's really difficult to understand any kind of mental illness if you've never experienced it, but I feel like people just don't even try to understand it. And that's hella frustrating.

*I talked about it on here fairly recently, that I had a couple of low moments. It was incredibly unsettling. Thankfully it hasn't happened again and I'm still doing the therapy and the medication for my brainz. So I'll still be here to annoy you guys with my inanity :P