This is going to be a fairly lengthy post. Just fair warning.

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Many of the men in my life have been verbally/emotionally abusive towards me.

Do you ever get these realizations one day? I've known this for a while, but lately it has become even more obvious and upsetting. Considering the incident a few weeks ago where my stepdad threatened me (saying he was gonna fuck me up because I slammed the door after he acted like an asshole), I can safely say this to be true. Oh also we bought ice cream at the convenience store tonight and he asks where his ice cream is (my mom had told us not to eat in her new car) and my little sister tells him then he asks again and my sister was like "Here daddy" and she drops it and then picks it up and gives it to him and my mom had told him "Can you please ask her nicely?" then he gets all bitchy and says "Well fine I don't need it then" after my mom opens it up for him (keep in mind he is driving, why the fuck do you need your ice cream right now if you're driving? I'm not eating mine and I'm not even driving). Run on sentence but whatever... Like really, you're mad because we didn't give you your ice cream while you were driving? Then he lets it sits there all mad after my mom opens it for him and decides to give us all the silent treatment. Fuck you, dude. This kind of crap mixed with other shit he says to me and the way he acts is just ridiculous.

My dad pretends to be nice but he is a guilt tripper and is manipulative and I guess that is what has taken place of the emotional abuse he gives me and my stepmother (and used to be my mom, obviously) and everyone else he feels like like talking down to. I deal with this the best I can for now which is to basically be nice and cordial and put in some effort when I can, but I am getting tired of the act. I basically have to keep my distance and speak to him only once in a while to keep my sanity.

Then there is my ex who calls me from time to time and asks me if I still love him and that I deserve a great guy and blah blah blah. I won't get into this story right now. I haven't heard from him in quite some time. He's overdue on his call to me...

The one person that treated me with kindness and respect moved back to his hometown and then he did what he did, which I'm trying very hard to not be mad at him for it anymore, but it's been a bit hard. We're trying to keep a friendship going but I don't know how long that will last.

I don't think every man in the world is a bad man, but many who have been a part of my life were abusive in some way or another. I'm trying very hard to learn to get out of that cycle of abuse because I don't want to end up with someone who calls me a dumbass, bitch, and a whore or who is so passive aggressive because they are upset over dumb shit. I also don't like all the gaslighting that occurs in the men that I date and I hate that it had taken me a long time to realize that gaslighting and other "subtle" abuse was going on with some of these guys I would date.

I have been actively trying for 2 years to learn what I want and need out of a relationship so I can avoid abuse. I dated for most of this time so I can learn what is necessary for me to feel safe and cared for so I can date people who treat me right. It has been a tough and painful journey for me, but I hope I take what I've learned and can combine it with some therapy so I can have a healthy relationship with someone in the future. The thing with being abused is learning to trust someone because you are used to being put down and treated like dirt and it's easier said than done to just "trust" someone.

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Oh yes, and all MRA trolls will be hit with the dismiss button here. I have 0 tolerance for nonsense.

This post also may self-destruct soon. No advice is needed, maybe just some GIFs or "I understand" type comments would be nice.