People. I saw a doctor today for a skin issue, and am going to be deal with itching that sometimes reaches what I call "screaming" intensity about once a day. I need your most powerful remedies, with your understanding that these are only to soothe and will not make it go away. It is not contagious or a disease that can be medicated. It is not an allergic reaction so benadryl can only help me sleep. It's gonna be hanging out all over my entire body for several more weeks. Again—this information is from a real doctor—not WebMD.

HELP, before I end up in a padded room, which is an upsetting thought mostly because of its lack of scratchy surfaces. If you tell me to get naked and scratch against a pine tree until I'm covered in sap, I will do it. Oh God, that sounds so good.