A month back, a nice man from the IT department came to my desk and told me I needed a little tree. English is not his first language and his accent is kind of heavy, and since I was not in particular need of any kind of tree at that time, I was confused. A little tree? Yes, a little tree.

He comes back and gives me this huge-ass shrubbery, which is larger than my computer and takes up roughly 50% of my workspace. I share a desk with my coworker, so I should rephrase. This shrubbery takes up 0% of my workspace, and 100% of my coworker's space. My coworker does not love the shrubbery.

So the IT man just casually dumps this bush on us and leaves the building, and also apparently the state, and also apparently the country. He's in India now, with no immediate plans to return. And the shrubbery has been entrusted to my care. I don't understand exactly how this happened, but I have a plant-friend, I named him Monty and he lives with me now. Sometimes I water him too much, and sometimes I water him too little. I don't have a green thumb. He suffers. But we have great conversations and maybe that compensates for my abominable plant skills.

This week, the CEO's wife hired these interior decorator/efficiency expert people. They have done a lot of great work, like switching out wooden clipboards for plastic clipboards, rearranging trash cans and putting everyone's personal coffee mugs in the lost & found. This morning, they replaced Monty with a pot of orchids.

On the scale of plant attractiveness, Monty just barely makes the cut for potted plants. He honestly belongs outside someone's porch, where dogs would pee on him. These new orchids are much prettier. But also, fuck these orchids. They are stupid, elitist usurpers.

I had to call two supervisors and walk all over the building before I found out what the decorator people had done with Monty. They stashed him in a dark corner, on the ground, next to a snack machine. The indignity! The outrage! HE WILL DIE THERE!

This shall not stand. Help me plot my revenge.

I have failed in my caretaker duties