I often wonder how shitty I will feel looking back at this time in my life. I know I am still in the throes of my sickness but it's important for me to be honest with someone somewhere. And I've chosen you all as those lucky someones. Baby Haa is over at her grandparents. Her first night away in her almost 4 months of life. My husband brought her up multiple times. Wondering how she was, if she was doing okay. Insisting we call his mom to check on her at 10pm. I woke up feeling like 2014 was really a new year. I had managed to hit the restart button on my life because Baby Haa wasn't here.
2013 should really have been the best year of my life. I found out I was pregnant January 4th last year. After trying since the summer and beginning to panic about why it wasn't happening. It was the best belated Christmas gift I had ever gotten. The pregnancy started out great. We were excited, I was glowing, we were happy. My anxiety grew and grew though and I ignored it like I always did. I put on my happy face. I was responsible for this little human growing in me. I wanted her. I made her. I couldn't change my mind now. Not at 26, with a great job, a house, a husband I had been with for a decade. We were fucking stable. I internalized the "baby will feel your stress" trope and panicked every time I sobbed with stress or got angry with bad traffic. In turn I worried and stressed more about the type of mother I was going to be. I'm not what you would describe as a cuddly person. We didn't hug much in my family. I always feel stupid baby talking to kids. The perfect parent in my mind was such a 180 from the type of parent I was pretty sure I was capable of being. But I was always so good under pressure. I wouldn't study for the test and get a B. I was used to excelling when I barely tried. So if I really wanted something? I should have been unstoppable.
In the past when things haven't come with their usual natural ease I would quit. Sometimes acting embarrassingly childish when I wasn't good at something immediately. One of my many, many flaws. Parenting isn't something you can just quit. I mean you can and people do every day but I have too much pride to become the girl who ran away from her family. So all I can do is to keep trying. Keep trying to get better. Myself first. My relationship skills next. My parenting skills finally. I put parenting last because as I find myself focusing on the first two I can almost feel myself enjoying being a parent more. I don't have the fear that I will never love being a parent. I still fear I will never be a good parent but baby steps right?
I still feel a twinge of jealousy when I see my SIL go up to pump for 10 minutes and come back with almost 4 ounces and then immediately breast feed her baby. I still feel a pang of guilt when I don't have 1000s of new pictures to share or get excited at the thought of her being independent. But my promise for 2014 is that I will let this go. I will figure out the type of parent I am and I will recognize that it is a valid way to parent. My baby is thriving. She is so happy. I am a part of that. I will continue to see my therapist and working with my psychiatrist. I will try my damnedest to not pretend everything is okay when it's not. I will be thankful for GT. These are resolutions I'm pretty confident I can keep. Resolutions I would like to keep but don't know if I will have the emotional capacity to deal with? Mending my relationship with my mom once and for all, fixing the way I fight, tackling my marriage issues. Resolutions I know I should have but don't have any delusions they will happen? Learning to love myself. Accepting my body.
For better or for worse 2013 is over. And the new year is beginning. I hope this year is better than the last for all of you.