If I worked in a bigger office, I would've taken today as a half day because I was not in the right frame of mind to be working. I spent about 2 hours looking at an email and didn't do anything about it until the end of the day. I had about 3 emails in my inbox today and I didn't do anything with them until 15 minutes after I was supposed to leave. I didn't work on any of the other issues that we've got at the moment because... I just couldn't see a thought all the way to the end. It got to about an hour and a half away from the end of the day and the guy I worked with asked me what I'd done and honestly, what I'd done was fuck all. And he said that's not really acceptable, and he knows I'm going through something but we've both got a lot that needs doing, and he needs to know that I, as the only other person in this office, am picking up the slack on the other stuff when he's handling the rest. And that made me feel terrible because I am (allegedly) a grown up and we are so busy at work, I cannot just mentally switch off at the moment. I want to be pissed off at him for not making allowances for my inability to function properly today, but at the same time I know that I should have carried on as best I could because I am a grown up and that's what grown ups do, they plod on even when life feels a bit like it's crashing down around them.

But then I think - hey, fuck you. If there was even one more person in the office, or if my boss had deigned to come in sometime before midday, I would've spoken to my boss and explained the situation and taken a fucking half day so I can get my shit together because this is still really fresh and it really hurts, and being made to feel guilty for having a day where I'm on a different planet because I've heard not 24 hours ago that my grandmother, who I am so close to and have always been close to, is sick and it's worse than any of us were anticipating, is really fucking shitty.

This is word vomit and I'm sorry. But last night was a shock and today was awful, and I actually really needed just one day to just get myself together, and I couldn't have that.