In an effort to avoid my important writing project I am instead going to review The Counselor. For those of you who don't remember the first installment of this series, "Half-Watched Movies" is a feature (happening whenever I feel like it) wherein I surf the internet, read, drink stuff, pick my nose and basically do about twenty other things while watching a movie I only vaguely care about. Because ain't nobody got time for paying attention.
The first scene of this movie is great because it's Michael Fassbender in bed with Penelope Cruz, and I love Michael Fassbender and HATE Penelope Cruz. They're under a sheet and he's speaking in a weird, semi-Texan (?) accent that I can't place, because he is Irish and also apparently bad at accents. His face looks really weathered and Penelope Cruz might have a big zit. I hate HD.
He goes down on her, which of course interests me, but then I decide that I need to Google what you can make with 2 eggs, a jar of pickles and some salmon dip, because that is all I have in my house currently. (SPOILER: THE ANSWER IS NOTHING. YOU CAN MAKE NOTHING EXCEPT FOR EGGS, PICKLES, AND SALMON DIP INDEPENDENTLY OF ONE ANOTHER. NOW I STARVE.)
Cameron Diaz and Javier Bardem are on a picnic safari together and they are wearing designer clothes and watching cheetahs run on the plains. Cameron Diaz with her eyeliner and boss hairdo is looking fiercer than the wild cats, and her nail polish is bright silver and I desperately want to be her. This is all I take away from the scene.
There's a party at Javier Bardem's house and his hair is the guest of honor. Seriously, it is its own character. He hires Fassbender to do some drug stuff or something, and Fassbender drinks a Bloody Mary slowly. (GROSS.) Cameron Diaz climbs on Javier Bardem. I eat a pickle.
Fassbender, having bought Penelope Cruz a diamond, takes Penelope Cruz out to dinner. He proposes to her in the restaurant, quietly, because he's polite and doesn't need a Jumbo-tron and/or flash mob to declare his feelings. She says yes because WHY WOULD YOU NOT.
(Then I remember how he supposedly beat his girlfriend and do some Googling. Not pleased. Still attracted, however, because my vagina is estupido but we're going to have a talk later about it.)
Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz get massages. Brad Pitt shows up to meet Fassbender at a bar and Brad Pitt should really groom himself better. More conversations about drug stuff. Oh and I forgot to mention that there's a lot of scenes shot in Mexico (?) where these guys are loading trucks and peeing in holes in the ground and that is all interspersed with the really interesting parts of the movie, which are fashion and drinking and Cameron Diaz.
Brad Pitt says in Joe Black's/Rusty Ryan's/That-Guy-in-The-Mexican's voice, "We used to share a taste for exotic women...in fact, a few times shared the women themselves." He has a black eye and I feel like I've watched this scene before, only George Clooney was there instead of Fassbender. Jesus, that mustache is fucking terrible.
Tonight's wine selection comes to me all the way from Australia, by way of Trader Joe's. It is a delicious chardonnay with floral hints. $4.99, people. If ever anyone demands proof that god exists, point them to this paragraph.
A half-hour passes. From what I can gather, Michael Fassbender is representing Javier Bardem and doing crime things for him (maybe). Javier Bardem owns a club. Rosie Perez still exists, and is in jail. The most important piece of information you need to take away from this part of the film is that Cameron Diaz fucks a car. She does the splits (stunt double) in a cheetah-print dress (METAPHORS) and rubs her naked punany against the windshield (resourceful!).
"Catfish," says Michael Fassbender.
"I need more alcohol to survive this screenplay," says Me.
There's an extremely long scene in which a blond guy sets up this elaborate trip wire across a highway (during golden hour, in case you all were worried about the light quality of the shot) and then a man on a motorcycle is beheaded. His helmet goes rolling around the desert and Rosie Perez wakes up in jail because she somehow knows. SHE KNOWS. Dramz.
I'm eating that salmon dip with my fingers and I will never be sorry.
People keep calling Michael Fassbender "Counselor" instead of his character name (which I have no idea what it is). STOP TREATING ME LIKE I AM NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE TITLE, MOVIE. I AM PAYING PLENTY OF ATTENTION WHEN I AM NOT ALSO PUTTING ON HAND CREAM.
Michael Fassbender orders a "hemlock" at the bar because Brad Pitt upsets him. I have no idea what that is so I go to The Google and find out that it is the drink that killed Socrates. The joke is still not funny.
Gunfight. Lawmen are dead. There are lots of sweeping landscapes because Cormac McCarthy. This is seriously the least fun I have ever had watching people shoot each other.
Does Javier Bardem have a fake accent? I don't mean in the movie, I mean like, in life. What if he is actually from the Jersey Shore or southern Illinois and he's just been doing an impression of Ricky Ricardo all these years?
OMG Penelope Cruz just showed up again! It's been like an hour! She's trying to get Fassbender to disappear himself because apparently her character is smart. Her eye makeup is running and she still looks fantastic. I hate her.
Scenes in Mexico. I think.
I fast-forward like ten minutes and Fassbender is drinking another Bloody Mary. WTF. Find a normal, non-hangover drink to get into. I could name like 5,000 other cocktails that would make me respect this character more.
More skipping. I stop on a scene with John Leguizamo (!) and Hank from Breaking Bad (!) and apparently all the stuff in the desert has been in Colombia, not Mexico? IDK I am just really upset that these two don't have their own buddy comedy.
My sister made me this card with a bunch of rainbows in the background and then a pasted picture of Ryan Gosling in the foreground. He looks so serious and every time I go to the fridge (where I have displayed the card) I laugh. Everyone should have a rainbow Ryan Gosling greeting card in his or her life. With what's happening right now and how long I have been watching this movie, it's a real life-saver.
Michael Fassbender is ugly-crying. Giving Claire Danes a real run for her money. I think he's sad because there's this random guy on the phone with him and the guy is talking some mad existential shit and suddenly Michael Fassbender is realizing what movie he agreed to be in.
Brad Pitt pulled his hair back and is wearing sunglasses! HELLO, NURSE. Also Natalie Dormer shows up suddenly and I just KNOW she is up to no good, because she is Natalie Dormer and she has always got something up her sleeve. (Or in this case in her teased blonde hair because her dress is Herve Leger and it has no sleeves.)
OMG CAMERON DIAZ AND NATALIE DORMER ARE EATING CUPCAKES TOGETHER IN A RESTAURANT. They both look fab, which is super important to the plot, and Cameron is basically trying to pay off Natalie. Natalie gets mad and leaves. I expected there to be more push back from a husband-thieving femme fatale such as ND but maybe this is her movie where she tries to play the good girl. Either way, I prefer her in period pieces.
Brad Pitt gets garroted by a weird contraption that some guy in bike shorts puts around his neck. There's a lot of blood. This is the second time in the flick where I've actively wished that Robert Rodriguez was at the helm instead of Ridley Scott. (The first time was that motorcycle beheading.) This movie is taking itself way, way too seriously.
Fassbender is crying again and he's snotting everywhere. I can't figure out why he's so upset; I didn't think he liked Brad Pitt all that much. Whatevs.
THIS SCENE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE. Cameron Diaz is wearing this amazing hoodie that is studded on the shoulders and is probably made of the finest fabrics. Her outfit is so fierce, y'all. Also, to bring it back around, she's talking about hunting and killing things on the plains and she is obviously talking about herself. I have no idea what happened to Javier Bardem because I think I skipped a bunch but I am pretty sure she just killed or ruined him and everyone else in her path. Remember how one of the first scenes was her watching the cheetah killing shit? WELL SHE IS THAT CHEETAH. SHE JUST WON THE FILM. IN CASE YOU WERE KEEPING SCORE BECAUSE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN BECAUSE SHE IS IN FIRST PLACE.
Credits. Much contemplation. Such depth. And where did she buy that caftan from the party scene because I need it in my closet?!
Until next time.