I broke up with ManBerry yesterday. It was some time in coming. My friends have told me I needed to do it, you guys have told me I need to do it, even I knew I needed to do it. But, I still cared so much about him that I just couldn't do it, and then yesterday was the final straw and I fucking did it!

I alternate between feeling angry at him and at myself for putting up with it for so long, then sad because I really did love him, and then a little vengeful in hoping he feels guilty whenever he looks at the garden I made happen for him, the special peppers I bought for him to make him happy, the flamingos I put in it to make him smile when he was stressed, the pizza stone in his oven from all the pizza I made him, etc. I just want this emotional rollercoaster part of a break-up to end!I would really love a way to shut off the little voice that keeps saying, maybe he'll realize what an idiot he was and try to get you back.

Long Rant Follows:

My main complaint with him had been a tendency to cancel plans with me, usually for reasons to do with the volunteer fire dept he is on. But, we talked about that, and things started to get better. He started getting busier with a shift change, more work responsibilities, and started an AEMT class. But, I still felt like even though he just didn't have the time to spend with me, he still wanted to and all this was just temporary. But, yesterday he had the day off with no EMT class that night due to the holiday and I had the day off, so there had been a plan made to actually spend all day together, even go out of town to one of our favorite restaurants. Then on Sunday night he decided that was the day he had to test out the new dive gear he had bought, which is stupid since they'd had it a few weeks and it could wait until he is off next weekend. But, I'm trying to be understanding about this, and we can still hang out in the evening. After diving he had to clean everything "but, it will just take a little while and then we can hang out". I even told him I was disappointed we couldn't spend more of the day together and he assured me we would have time together that evening; I finally heard from him 4.5 hours later at 9:15 pm. He didn't understand why I was so angry. I told him that I was feeling like maybe he didn't have time for everything he was doing and he got all angry at me and started in on this bullshit about how "I was getting mad with him just because he was trying to do something with his life." I've been nothing but supportive, above and beyond supportive at this point. My response to cancelled plans is "that's okay, I understand", I've left him dinner on random nights so he could have homecooked meals, when he was having difficulty getting in touch with the people for this AEMT class, I used some of my contacts to find alternate contact information for him.

So, now it's done. He can have all the time he wants to do whatever he thinks was so important, and I'm not going to have to deal with feeling like there is something wrong with me and if I were just a little sexier/more supportive/more...whatever, then the magic switch would be switched and he would want to spend time with me.

I know he's got a lot of mental stuff he's dealing with. One of his big regrets in his life was leaving the professional fire dept, and I think he is somehow trying to find happiness/redemption with the one here, and I just don't think he will. But, I hope he finds some kind of happiness somewhere, he deserves it.