Texts I Didn't Send But Fucking Should Have

(please don't mainpage) So hey remember back in November when I went through a crazy, insane wedding that included a Marie Antoinette bridal shower and a bride who was secretly five months pregnant? Well, guess who went into labor today and guess who mass texted all the girls in the wedding party...

So the bride, Stephanie, and her new husband Chad (all names changed) have moved away because of his job. They didn't write wedding thank you notes, instead sending mass produced cards about the new addition to their family and thanking "everyone who made their day special". I figured it would be radio silence until we heard about the baby being born and, apart from one Sunday afternoon when I ended up getting EIGHTY SIX TEXTS about baby names (someone legitimately suggested Eiffel for a boy's name, the bride loved it), I didn't hear a thing from anyone. Until this morning, at 5am.

So, lovely Groupthink, I give you a bunch of texts that made me want to throw my phone against a wall that I took the high road on and didn't respond to, but FUCKING SHOULD HAVE.

5:32am from Stephanie: Water broke!!! May go to hospital.

What I should have said: ...I love you but it is 5:30am and I have to go to work and why are you not at the hospital yet?!

5:35 from Maid of Honor (ooooh god): yaaaaay where is chad omg so excited for you how dilated are you DO YOU NEED ME TO COME OVER AND HELP???

What I should have said: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. No she doesn't need you! She needs a HOSPITAL!

5:43am from another bridesmaid: i am psychic i knew you were going to have a baby!

What I should have said: Where the FUCK have you been, she's been pregnant for NINE MONTHS. Are you NEW? Of course she's going to have a fucking baby!

8am from the Maid of Honor: how many centimeters??? Steph are you ok?????????

What I should have said: Is there money riding on how dilated she is? What the hell?

8:06am from another bridesmaid: can you talk??? how dilated are you???

What I should have said: I just... what... isn't that, I don't know, private? Why do you care?

8:32am from the bride: not dilated at all, this hospital sucks. 8:34am from the Maid of Honor: lol then come home!!! 8:45am from the bride: idk they want to induce me. this place sucks. 8:51am from another bridesmaid: so what it isn't the ritz, just have the baby and go home

What I should have said: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

9am from the maid of honor: WHAT ARE YOUR VITALS??? Just walk around the hospital and the baby will fall out!

What I should have said: Okay, you need to sit down and shut up. Seriously. Why do you want her vitals? You aren't an obstetrician. I don't think you can even SPELL that. And babies don't work that way...

9:30am from the Bride: This hospital's philosophy is not in line with mine.

What I should have said: What does that even... mean...? I don't...?

10am from the maid of honor: are you ok?? is the doctor there?? is chad there?? what is happening??? 11am from the maid of honor: are you ok is the baby there yet???? 12pm from the maid of honor: steph???? 1pm from the maid of honor: how dilated are you??? are you getting my texts??

What I should have said: Listen, you need to stop. She is trying to push a BABY out of her. What is WRONG with you?! Of course she isn't answering her phone right now!

2pm from the bride: (lists her vitals) and chad is here. 2:12pm from another bridesmaid: don't worry this is EASY it is a PEACE OF CAKE!

What I should have said: SHE IS PUSHING A HUMAN OUT OF HER, THAT IS THE VERY OPPOSITE OF "PEACE" OF CAKE.

5:23pm from the maid of honor: DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?!?!?!

What I should have said: Seriously, what the FUCK is wrong with you?

6:26pm from the maid of honor: steph give us an update!!!

What I FINALLY said: Hey ladies, I don't think we should be blowing up Stephanie's phone right now. She has something very important to focus on and I know she is doing her best! She'll tell us when she can. Good luck, Stephanie! :)

And, the reply from the maid of honor? "lololol"

I am very happy for my friend and I can't wait to hear when she and the baby are all safe and sound but fucking seriously, what is WRONG with these girls? Am I insane here? If someone was texting that to me as I was trying to push a human out of me, I would be fucking livid. Of course she can't update you, she is LITERALLY HAVING A BABY.

One days these bridal party mass texts will stop... one day... one day... *rocks back and forth*