Depression is the worst, you guys. And this week has been really rough. The Constable and I normally sleep together, either at his place or mine (we live like three blocks apart). This week, for different reasons, we ended up sleeping apart 3 days in a row. And I remembered that I get really lonely at night when I'm by myself and have trouble falling asleep when I'm not used to being by myself. I feel like this sounds like a first world problem, but by Wednesday night I just felt so depressed and when I woke up Thursday morning I was so sad and just couldn't do anything. Which always makes me feel a million times worse, because then I feel like I'm getting more and more behind, because grad school is the worst, and I basically just want to go crawl into a hole and cry for three days. So then when I met with my therapist yesterday I talked to her about how sad I felt, and how much I HATE feeling like I'm so dependent on somebody else for my happiness, and how vulnerable I felt.
So last night I finally got to see the Constable and I slept over at his place and I was SO HAPPY to snuggle at night and when we were waking up this morning, and it was so sweet and nice. But then later he mentioned that my yelling in my sleep (which is a weird thing that I do, and I don't know how to control, and I'm going to talk to my doctor about it, but for now I have no idea what to do about it) had woken him up and he was like "If your yelling stays that bed, we might have to sleep apart more often when I have to wake up early in the morning." And I can't even explain why, because that's a totally reasonable thing to say, but I was just CRUSHED. Like I had been missing him so much that I was starting to get depressed, and then it seemed like he just never wanted me to sleep over (which he later clarified, that it usually isn't so bad, so he doesn't think this is something we have to do right now, and he didn't want to sleep apart from each other more than we had this week). But for some reason I just felt like shit, and my depressed brain was like "hey, how about you let this completely ruin your day? Maybe lay in bed for five hours and then not get any work done, so that you feel worse about your life, and maybe question the security of your relationship, even though the Constable is great and this is by far the healthiest relationship you've ever been in?"
And I feel awful, because the Constable has been texting me sweet things about how much he loves me all day, so I can tell he feels bad that we sort of fought (I don't even think it really qualifies as a fight, maybe that we disagreed? Got upset?), and he's so wonderful, but I'm just sitting here feeling so so sad, and like my feelings are hurt, even though I don't think he hurt my feelings, if that makes any sense. And I just feel like, because I've never been in a normal healthy relationship before this, just ones that went from honeymoon period to hating each other, that every single thing that possibly goes even a little bit wrong just scares the shit out of me. I don't know, I feel like I'm just rambling here, but I just needed to get some of this sadness out of my head.
ETA: And now that I've written this all out, I feel like I have the most first world problems ever, but it's not the problems themselves so much as my stupid fucked up brain that can't handle ANYTHING. Like today, when I finally got out of bed, and dragged myself to Starbucks to work, and it was full so I wanted to cry. :(