I know, I know. Your beloved is a magical wood nymph, the paragon of perfection, and a damsel worthy of laying down your life for. She's supermodel hot, and the very image of chastity, and horny for you and only you. She has silken hair and creamy skin, and eyes that sparkle like the stars in the sky. She wants nothing more than to keep you happy, supplied with Mt. Dew and Doritos, and blow you while you play WoW.

And she just dropped a stankbomb in the bathroom stall next to me, the stench of which would send every demon back to hell in a futile attempt at escaping.

That's right, baby boy. Your dream girl is a real human being with real functioning gastrointestinal tract, which, on occasion, experiences a fair amount of distress. Even the most perfect of women, the tennest of tens, needs an activated charcoal capsule or some Immodium now and then.

Fap to THAT.