Dear Hipsters, I will not stand by and watch you wear monocles

I stood by and watched you embrace Santa beards, flannel and all the accouterments of my people. I stood by while you waxed your moustache and road bicycles like it was a douche version of 1910. I stood by while you sported entire outfits that I wore myself when I was a child, all rompers and beaded belts. I stood by silently, watching so many crimes against fashion, against reason and against humanity.

But that ends now. I swear if I see one of you fuckers wear a monocle, be prepared for the harshest furrowed brow of your life. I'm also considering slashing the tires of your fixie. Just wait. Fucking monocles. I can't even.

Be warned.

From the New York times, the Monocle Returns as a Fashion Accessory