I have a cold and a fever and feel like my skin is burning and my throat is full of lava and I've been stabbed in the chest with combo cold and costochondritis flareup and also hit by a bus. TIME FOR MORE VAMPIRE TV.

BEEL YOU ARE SUCH A DICK. SERIOUSLY THE DICKEST.

Ok I hate Sam even more now that he's openly an asshole but I'm enjoying his feud with Andy.

Holy crap. Tommy standing in the mirror, saying fuck you to himself and beating himself in the head.... unexpected srs depression bomb. I've been EXACTLY there. But I didn't murder anybody. ....ooooor turn into Sam. Just gave myself a minor concussion. >.> BACK TO UNSERIOUS TIMES

I mean, to be fair, Sookie kinda had that firing coming. I think everyone working there would be fired in the real world.

Props to Sam's actor though. He is pretty good at playing someone playing himself.

I NEED TO KNOW IF JASON'S GONNA BE A KITTY.

Oh GREAT MARNIE DO SOME MORE WEIRD BLOOD MAGIC KEEP HELPING THE PUBLIC IMAGE THANKS

But still, inquisition witch was TOTALLY JUSTIFIED. Those vamps were asking for it. Current ones, less so. Ok, King Beel tho. He's asking someone, ANYONE to kick his ass.

DON'T KILL THE SNAKEY GODDAMMIT WHY ALL THE BLOOD AND SACRIFICE. USE FLOWERS AND FOOD OFFERINGS LIKE FREAKING SANE PEOPLE.

NO SAM-BROTHER GUY WTF QUIT YOUR RAPINESS.

"AH'M A P'LICE OFFICER AND A WERE-PANTHER!"

"Your momma was a were-panther?"

bawwwww he's not gonna be a kitty.

DON'T LIKE JASON, JESS, YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM DAMMIT. JESS AND HOYT OTP 5EVA

COME ON BEEL EVEN YOU CANNOT MURDER THIS SAD ERIC PUPPY. THIS IS ABSURD.

Grassy-ass sex. I mean I am a self-respecting Pagan, sex in the woods is definitely on my bucket list, but GET A BLANKET. Ants.

AH AM NOT A ZOMBIE! That's exactly what a zombeh would say.

YOU HAS TEH MAGIX LALA.

OK all these peeps are out on the full moon but have not changed into werewolves. I thought it was compulsory. For shifters too. Ladyshifter was not shifty.

Aaaaaand now the wolfies walk in on the woods-sex.

Know what is the dumbest trope? "I LOVE YOU SO I MUST PUSH YOU AWAY FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY CAUSE I DON'T RESPECT YOU ENOUGH TO LET YOU MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS." Attn: every story, STOP THIS. It only works with wild animals. And even then I hate it.

Seriously you gonna hold a grudge on this witch for killing vampires who RAPED HER AND BURNED HER AT THE STAKE. Nope I think that's pretty fair. I guess this is a pretty good villain, actually.

LOL they just bust naked through the door still joined at the groin and immediately resumed doing it on the rug. HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN

So like, Beeyill's master plan of chaining everyone up in silver today seems pretty extreme considering they don't know today's the day the witch plans on doing her thing. They could be doing this for a long time.

Tara, quit littering. But continue being snarky.

NOOOO JESS WHY YOU NOT LOVE HOYT HE IS LITERALLY THE BEST. ;_;

Bill why are you making good non-violence points now. Make this a trend and maybe I'll reconsider my position.

Good Sam jump right to choking your brother. Doing a great job of setting yourself apart from the rest of your family.

LOL worst levitation.

Possibly the best instance of screaming waitress, on top of Pam's rocking coffin.

Jess noooooooooooooo not the suuuuuuuuuuuunnnnn

I DO NOT SHIP THIS. ARGH.

One thing I REALLY don't get about this show is how quick and willing non-drug-addicted humans are to chow down on vampire blood. And why sometimes one drop of it is like LSD and sometimes three cups of it is like "whatev."

JESS HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH HOYT HOW AARRGHHH NOW I CRY FOREVER.

WHAT

WHAT THE HELL WHAT?!! NOOOOOOOOO TO ALL OF THIS NOOOOOOOOOOO

Omg it was a dream. WORST DREAM.

"...because all of us vampires know each other?" LOL

ok you're standing in the shower at least turn the water on before you start making out or it's just awkward. Oooor hallucinate instead, I guess this is one of those LSD times.

OMG Beel's diplomacy mod is LOW. He is dripping with southern political sleaze. I agree with his position and I still don't trust him!

Why is Eric sharing this hallucination? Is he high on fairy blood I guess? Seriously how do drugs work on this show. INCONSISTENTLY, is the answer.

So for real who's the French ghost lady?

LOL Lala OUT.

WHAT HOYT NO HOW ARE YOU SAYING THESE AWFUL THINGS!! ALL MY HEARTBREAKS. I CREY 5EVA

ohhhhh I shoulda KNOWN this was her werewolf ex!!

Concluding True Blood Season 4

Uh oh battle times.

Alcide random appearance!

Jessica and Nan scene- amazing. "You are nothing like you are on TV."

I def caught Hoyt packing up Jess's copy of Twilight. So meta.

I would enjoy Sookie's threesome dream more without the ridiculous music letting you know THIS IS JUST FUNNY BUSINESS LOLS - NO REALLY IT'S NOT OK FOR LADIES TO LIKE TWO GUYS.

"He's a nurse, he's just a nurse! Oh fuck!"

NO. NO I DO NOT SHIP THIS.

Aww, Eric's back. I'm interested to see how this develops.

Ok Sam's brother getting himself killed is pretty messed up and sad :[ And YEP SAM, YOU COULD'VE DONE A LOT BETTER.

HOYT ;_; ;_; ;_;

Whoa MARNIE is the evil one in there?! I was right to be on the old witch's side!!

Aaaaaaaaand now they're both on board with slaughtering. Greeeaaat.

YEAH TARA AND WITCH FRIEND MAGICK IT UP!

FREEZE FRAME VAMPIRE SWAT TEAM

"Oh shit. Marnie just puked a bitch out."

"Fuckin' Sookie." I loled a lot.

"Holy shit gentlemen."

Now Andy is Gollum. Hah! Andy. Gollum.

A fairy appears!

Okay I know it's really late in the game to be bringing this up but SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WITH THE RETRACTABLE FANGS. WHAT IS THAT EVEN AT ALL. THEY ARE NOT EVEN THE RIGHT TEETH. AND IF THEY RETRACT THAT'S ONE THING BUT WHY DO THEY BECOME NOT POINTY WHEN THEY DO. AND WHY DOES IT MAKE A SOUND.

Idiot boys. WHY IS EVERYONE GOING ALONG WITH THIS SUICIDE PACT EVERYONE IS STUPID.

PAM MAKE BOOM

Alcide's real good at standing around while people beat the shit out of each other. And shoving his lady around! I am not nor have I ever been impressed with him.

uhhhh I thought the fairies were done bangin mortals what happened to that

ET PHONE HOME

Oh Sam you didn't murder this guy that's reeeaaaal big of you. Now Alcide will do it for you! They are basically becoming interchangeable jerky dog guys now. That was the werewolf breakup ritual I guess. I think the depictions of were-peoples and shifters are all kinda classist.

EVERYONE AND THEIR DAMN BLOOD MAGIC.

Oh my god all the vamps staggering towards the building is too much, ahahahaha. It's like the Enterprise crew pitching around in turbulence but the camera's not tilting to make it look more normal.

ERIC DON'T BE MEAN TO PAM

Is Jesus gonna turn into the Hulk

Gee good to see Eric's learned lots of important lessons about not ripping people's hearts out from his time as an innocent.

For srs though Jess, if monogamy with a mortal didn't work for you with the World's Nicest Guy how do you see the World's Biggest Idiot as a viable alternative? >:[

AT LEAST I STILL HAVE LALA AND JESUS <3 DON'T EVER BREAK UP OR EXPLODE PLS.

Oooooor he could just get possessed by Marnie. Of course.

LAST ONE. Holy shit I am so sick. Good thing I can't call out of work tomorrow or I'll be written up! No, who needs unions!

WHAT AHHHH THIS IS NOT GAME OF THRONES WHY HAND STABBING. WE REALLY CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS.

Jason deserves this beating. But I am really bummed that they keep making Hoyt less likable than he has ALWAYS been just to make the breakup plausible. DO NOT TARNISH MY HOYT.

"Zombies are the new vampahrs didn't yoo know thayt?"

I'm sorrryyyyyyyy HOW did you just pronounce Samhain? Sowen. Not Sam.i.ain. Samhain is not a member of the Black Eyed Peas.

"YOU CAN'T TRADE MAGIC LIKE FUCKIN POKEMON CARDS!" Well said, Jesus.

JESUS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ;_; ;_; ;_; ;_; ;_;

Why is Sean from Scrubs here

No better question why is ALCIDE here. What with all the murdering he's been busy with.

SAHMA-HAYN??? IS LITERALLY EVERYONE GOING TO BUTCHER THIS.

Lololololol dual shirtless SOOKAH

She is seriously casting this circle with a big ol canister of Morton Salt. I kind of love it.

YES GOOD MAGICKZ THIS IS HOW YOUU DOOO IIIT

HOLY SHIT IT'S WORLD'S MOST UNREALISTIC GRANDMOTHER

GIT OUTTA HERE RENE NOBODY LIKES YOU

I STILL DON'T SHIP THIS DAMMIT

Lala ;_; WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE RUINED

Sookah abandons her harem plan. PREDICTABLE.

Jesus ghost ;_; this is the first time I've been close to tears with this show.

"I just feel like if we are too cute and cheesy then god is gonna drop a brick on our heads." ACCURATE

stupid church guy's a vampire whut. AND that crazy mofo got out NOBODY SAW THAT COMING.

"Hi Nan... and gay Stormtroopers."

"WE ARE NOT FUCKING PUPPYDOGS"

LOL WHAT JUST HAPPENED

aaaaaaaand craycray Debbie is back. OH SHIT WHO'S GONNA TURN TARA?? THERE ARE NO VAMPIRES HERE WHO'S GONNA DO IT!!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT. Ok. Bed. If you stuck with me through all that... you must be even loopier than I am. Cheers.