Chocolate bars never judged me (TW depression)

I feel like I'm drowning in numbness right now. I just feel either aggravated or sad a lot,and yet in my twisted mind I feel guilty because I'm not depressed enough. If I can make jokes, I'm not really depressed.

There's a line in Lost In Translation where Bill Murray's character says "The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you." Well, I'm twice the age of Scarlet Johansen's character, and i still don 't know who I am or what I want. I don't know where I fit in in terms of gender, sexuality, or anything.

I was supposed to be a writer. That's what I studied in school. But I've wasted 20 years where I should have been writing... What? A great novel? A book of journalism? Do people even read anymore?

There's blogging, but it's like trying to change the color of the ocean with an eyedropper full of dye. Even if something goes viral, the negative attention seems to outweigh the positive, as if it's Shirley Jackson's lottery rather than the other kind.

I've been eating a lot of chocolate bars. I don't even really like them, they're just comforting. But I know deep down they're going to make me sick.

I don't want hugs, although I wouldn't say no to them. I don't want advice, just... Hope, I guess.