Point one, on a totally unrelated/completely related note I have no idea where this gif is from but....Britney, bless you're heart, that's a soul-wrenching image :-(
Point two, I read all the replies from my post yesterday and I wanted to thank those of you who chimed in. I read all of them multiple times and although I am not all that great about responding to all or recommending all I wanted to make sure you knew they were very much appreciated and helpful.
Point three, I know I am pretty much the definition of a hot fucking mess at this point. I haven't always been, I swear. I ditched a passionless relationship for one on the opposite end of the spectrum and learned what any marginally intelligent person would already know...you have to settle into something somewhere around the middle.
Things had gotten worse and worse, sadder and sadder, with my boyfriend. We're 2500 miles apart and we haven't been able to Skype with each other as much. He says that when I am with him I am warm and loving but when I leave I am cold. I told him that when I am with him I don't have to think about anything else in my life but when I leave, my life is stressful. It hasn't even been a year since I left my ex (for him, I might add) and we're still adjusting to life apart and co-parenting. BF is living in some fantasy world where we will just get married and be a family (with my son) and everything will be perfect. His entire life has been wrapped up in me. I pushes me and pushes me to meet his expectations, so I cower and commit to shit that I know I can't live up to. Talking every day? Skyping with my son daily? I have an hour and a half tops with my son in the evenings and I don't want to spend it in front of a screen with someone he barely knows. So, I am not keeping "95%" of my commitments and I'm "cold" and I have "driven the relationship into the ground." Any time I try to explain things from my perspective he shuts me down (when I start to speak up to defend myself while he is talking I also get yelled at), so I just throw up my hands and say "fine, it's all my fault." I told him that I would stop making commitments—"well, that's par for the course in your life isn't it." Then he told me that I never take responsibility for anything and that I even "had to pretend to be raped by X (my ex) to leave him."
I was with my ex for 7 years. A few years into our relationship he found out that I was in contact with my current boyfriend (who I had known for years), got drunk and hit me. This is the highly edited version of events. About a year ago I got back in contact with my boyfriend, decided that I wasn't happy in my relationship and wanted to be with him (the BF), and I ended up stopping by to see him for a night on my way to fashion week for work. And I got caught. While I was away. My ex asked me to come back, and I did. And the morning after I returned he forced me onto our bed, shoved my head into a pillow and had sex with me. I didn't want to, but I didn't say anything because I couldn't, my face was in a pillow, I could hardly breathe, much less speak. We went into therapy and I was incredibly shaken by it and our therapist asked me to define it, give it a word, and that word was rape. I wasn't sure, but it felt like assault, but assault didn't seem quite right. In any case, I told like two people about it using the word rape and my boyfriend was one of them. As months went by I started to think of it less as rape, I am still totally confused about it, I don't want to think it happened, but I am angry and hurt by it, it's complex.
In any case, it was a fucking dick thing to say and I hung up on him. And it's unforgivable. And while I still think I made the right decision in leaving my ex, everything has this air of....fucked-up-ness...that's almost too much to deal with. What kind of person says such awful things, even when they are angry?
Holy Jesus I am sorry for this long, rambling, kind of insane post.
Such. A. Mess.