(ETA: in the interest of not offending anyone further, the whole intro is now gone.)

Four days ago, after several months of effort, I achieved a milestone: my second Tinder match. I'm pretty sure my first Tinder match wasn't even a real person because our conversation went like this:

Her: hey you

Me: Hey, what's up?

Her: hi ... have we chatted before?

Me: No, we have not.

Her: i'm sorry......i get to be forgetful from time to time! how are u??

Me: (one hour and 1 minute later) Sorry, had some technical difficulties with my phone. I'm good, how are you?

Her: just got home......long day been working a lot! but i am feeling naughty! so what's up..... want to have some fun??

Me: (10 minutes later) I've got to work tomorrow.

Her: (4 minutes later) I want a man who can make me squirt.....have you ever made a chick orgasm?? hahaa

Me: (Two days and 46 minutes later) What city do you even live in? (I asked her this because her distance from me on Tinder seemed to fluctuate by hundreds of miles.)

Her: (Two minutes later) going to change my underwear...... wanna see?? =)

Me: (47 minutes later) Sure why not. Are you a robot?

Her: want to play on cam?

I have to admit my failure on Tinder so far is probably due mostly to my photos. I need better and more recent photos, but that's hard because I don't tend to get photographed often and recently I haven't been able to upload photos from my camera to my laptop. I recently added a profile description, which states (among other things) that I'm not looking for a hookup.

I do like Tinder from the standpoint that I don't have to waste time writing e-mails to women who probably won't respond to them anyway, but it does get frustrating when you never. Have. Any. Matches. So anyway, this match: she has no description and only 1 picture, but it's a normal picture. You can see her face but you can't see the rest of her body very well. She's 1 year older than me and a different race. On Friday night I messaged: "Hey (name), how are you doing? What are you up to this weekend, anything cool?"

(crickets)

Tinder's not letting me view her profile right now, but I can still view the message I sent, so I'm not sure if that's just a technical glitch or what.

I don't know guys, did I mess that up really badly? I understand a lot of people match on Tinder but then never message the other person or respond to the other person's messages. Which is great if you've got dozens of matches to choose from. It's not great if you're me. I don't catcall women, I don't hit on strangers, I don't make perverted sexual innuendos or comments, but I've also got no game at all.

***

In other news, a few weeks ago I think I got hit on for maybe the first time by a stranger? I was at a gay bar (yeah, I know) for two reasons: (1) a C-list pop singer I like was performing there, and (2) I'd never been to that bar before, and going to new restaurants and bars is sort of what I'm about. The show itself was a bit of a disappointment; she did 4 songs, was onstage for 20 minutes tops, and then left. There were no other performers. I decided to stay for a while longer since I'd paid good money to be there (the cover for this event was about $20 or $25). Earlier in evening at the bar this guy says to me, "I like your hair!" (It's shoulder-length.) I don't hear him the first time, so I ask him to repeat it, which he does, and I say thank you, and he goes off on his way. One or two hours later, the same guy is dancing near me. I don't move away right away, because . . . well, I'm not sure why exactly, but I don't want to be mean to him, and the compliment was really flattering. But then he starts brushing up against me and making little incidental contact while he's dancing, the sort of contact that would seem totally accidental if not for the fact that it keeps happening. Three or four times in about 30 seconds, so I move away because I'm a little freaked out and I don't want to lead this guy on or anything. I've never grinded with a girl or anything so I'm not sure if that's what he was trying to do. It's a little after 1 am at this point, and I almost immediately feel like it's time for me to go, so I tab out at the bar and a few minutes later I'm out. I'm not homophobic, so I don't mind that a guy hit on me (and like I said, the attention was flattering), but for some reason the experience made me feel kind of depressed and lonely.