TW: depression, anxiety
Today I keep repeating to myself "I am an adult. I am an adult." over and over and over and it's still not making one bit of difference. I'm upset because I got a bill from my therapist for more money than I make in two months that I cannot afford to pay, so no more therapy for me. I'm upset because I screwed up and can't pay my phone bill this month, so if I leave the house I won't have a phone that works. I'm upset because the doctor I saw for two and a half hours yesterday had to call in another doctor to consult (she's still learning and she was awesome and I'm happy to see her again, because she was interested in me and treated me with kindness and respect) and the consulting doctor walked in knowing I have massive anxiety and depression and gave me a ten minute lecture on drug addiction and how unsafe it was for me to take .5mg of Ativan a day for longer than a month, because I also have a prescription for codeine (that I specifically asked for rather than Percocet because I DON'T WANT to be taking super strong narcotics and also it WORKS BETTER FOR ME) and therefore I'm going to turn into a homeless drug addict. And then he gave me a lecture on depression and told me all the reasons HE thought I should be depressed and why HE thought my life was difficult, and when I said those were things I cope with rather well and in fact I'm depressed that my mom is dead and I might not ever have kids, he looked at me and said "No, I don't think that's why you're depressed."
I'm upset because I am trying to interact with people who obviously do not like me, and I want them to like me, but they don't. I have no idea why, because I have done absolutely NO EARTHLY THING WRONG to them but they don't like me. I am an adult but still I want people to like me. I realize that that is unrealistic but I would at least like a reason if someone is going to literally IGNORE THE FUCK OUT OF ME or treat me like an idiot.
And the doctor's office faxed in the wrong prescription for me so I can't start my anti-depressants until after tomorrow and I don't have any IRL support here and it's all just too much today.
And no matter how many times I tell myself I am an adult, I just can't seem to make myself believe it.